This is not a good post. Avert your eyes if you’re weak of heart.
Everything is being sent and relayed to Dr. Krisht, my neurosurgeon, who did my surgery back in April in Arkansas.
The two spots of the tumor regrowth that we found on December 15th have roughly doubled in size and have moved closer to the brain stem (bad!). So in less than a month these pesky things have been working.
One part has pushed towards the brain stem, which means even with surgery it will only debulk the size of the tumor; it can not fully be removed due to possibly damage to the stem which controls (breathing, speaking, motor function and could kill me).
I am being set up for clinical trials to try and control tumor growth due to current chemo obviously not controlling the tumor growth. This is all we know for now. I will update as I have new info.
As far as freaking out and such; of course I’m not happy about it, but I have a peace about me/it that I can’t explain, at least I have it for now, please pray I keep it. It’s sort of like, I know God has control of it all. But it is a huge comfort for me to know that my parents and some of my friends have strong faith in God and a relationship with him. That’s my only other worry – I want all the people I love and care about to have a strong faith and relationship with God.
I don’t want anyone I love to not have faith, or worse, lose their faith because of my sickness. So I am making myself as available as I can to be a testament and minister to anyone and everyone I can about how God is working.
Even though life with God doesn’t mean life is going to be perfect or that bad things won’t happen, in fact, The Fall of Man guaranteed that bad stuff and sin was going to happen. But when the bad things happen to people we love, and when it gets complicated and frustrating having God and the faith and relationship with him gives a peace and comfort, support that is tangible.
Knowing that my parents and a few best friends have that relationship and faith is so important to me; and honestly, completely honestly, I’m so thankful for this cancer for giving me a relationship with God. Because before this, I really didn’t have one at all. I mean, I never questioned his existence or power, but I didn’t have a relationship.
I want God to use me as much as he can. That might be my whole purpose. And I would love that. My big prayer since this started and before is that God break me and fix me from the inside out, (like the song; one of my favorites! When it’s sung accapella at Harding I can’t not cry.) And God is doing that.
Another thing, how the Bible says David was a man after God’s own heart, I pray that I can be a woman after God’s own heart. I don’t even know what that means but I want that.
So, I’ve been up since 3am and am super exhausted. I’ll do another post tomorrow. Because this blog really helps me process things. But tonight was good for eating leftover lasagna, eating some turtle 🐢 pie, and watching an episode of Mad Men. Now I’m spending some much needed time with my husband, continuing our Harry Potter marathon.
Let’s all pray, pray hard. Because God listens and his plan, even when we don’t understand, is good and perfect. He loves me, and he loves everyone, and I know that, while I am clueless and scared, I don’t need to worry, I shouldn’t, because my God is big and perfect and has it all.
Going to go to bed, so sleepy 😌 💤 goodnight all 🌙