So today marks my 4th to last radiation and the day before Jeanie gets here. Mom is still in recovery and they haven’t given us a set date for her discharge. I got to see her yesterday and I’m going to see her again today.
I’m just so proud of her and know Omi & Opa are too, it’s like I could feel it when I saw her today. She was glowing with that German-born strength and grit right through the pain. Let’s all just keep praying for quick healing and relief from her pain.
Yesterday I “called-in” to PT and OT because I’ve just been feeling exhausted and drained. I’m running on very little sleep and, cmon, we should all know by now how much Annemarie needs a good 9-12 hours a night. 💤💤💤🤕🤒😠😱
I also saw Dr. Monga for a check up – I see him every 2 weeks and I’m about to only have to see him every month (small victory; he’s an amazing doctor, I just hate what he represents to me – cancer, so seeing him or Dr. Smith makes me uncomfortable lol; its me, not them!) the day I stop radiation is the day I stop taking chemo for a month and then I start again monthly, so I won’t have to do blood draws except once a month! Yet another small victory!
While speaking with Doctor Monga, we discussed the steroid and how it’s affected my weight and everything, unfortunately, he said that it is usually a very slow process, that coupled with the fact that I can’t work out hard because I’m completely lacking in endurance and stamina, and have lost a lot of my muscle from being in the hospital, means it will mostly mean diet. I’m fighting a dumb uphill battle…. On a slip and slide 😑
But you know what, praise God I’m alive! I will do this, I am doing this, even though its is miserable!! I’m going to walk and do strengthening yoga as much as I can (moderately) and not binge eat when I feel sad, weak, ugly.
We also discussed how the medicine I use to help me sleep right now (my brain is way too alert even though I’m physically exhausted) could interact negatively with one of the other medicines I’m on, so I just went ahead and decided to stop the sleeping one and will just do Benadryl. They do the same thing for me and Benadryl doesn’t possibly give me a heart attack. Yay Benadryl! lol
I’ve pretty well decided to just shave my head because I want it to all grow in again evenly, and this seems the best way. After I shave it, it will take a few weeks to a month for it to start to re-grow and then once I get about 1-2″ of regrowth I can have extensions put in, which is what I want to do to make sure my hair looks perfect for holiday time and the wedding of 2016: mine! Nothing is going to mess this wedding up, not even stupid cancer.
So we’re looking at me being Ms. Baldy for about a month or 2. I can handle that. I’m going to feel ashamed and embarrassed and not really like me, but I don’t really feel like me that much anyways, and those type of emotions aren’t really helpful to me in this fight. Plus I know it’s odd for people to see a bald girl my age, but I’m assuming people have enough deductive reasoning to put 2 and 2 together lol.
I can feel my right arm and hand getting better, even though it’s slow. It’s going to take a long time before I can sketch or write properly, but I can type again very slowly and I can navigate the mouse slowly. And that progress means a lot to me. I was a Lab Supervisor at Harding and it was the best job imaginable. But I had to be quick and capable on a computer, it hurts me to know I wouldn’t be good at my job right now, I’d be hurting my job😔
Progress is great and I’m thankful to God for everything he gives me. The ability to keep trying, situations to push me even when I don’t want to be pushed. My favorite Christian song is, “From the Inside Out”. And that songs message is what I truly feel that this is happening with me. That song brings me to tears. And I’ve prayed that I change while singing it, and while I don’t think God caused my cancer, I know he can use it for good and for his glory.
So please look that song up… Especially the version by ZOE Group, their version is beautiful. Please continue praying for myself and my family, especially mamas healing!