Category Archives: Sunday

Day 49: God’s Day, and the weekend is almost over

Today I’ll finally be back in church and I sure need it. I’m embarrassed to go because everything makes me cry and I don’t want people to come over and pat me on the back or anything because that makes it worse. I’d rather people just ignore it. But I understand the desire to comfort and show compassion so I shouldn’t get annoyed. 

UPDATE 9am: I don’t think I’m going to be going to church this morning – I’m feeling really sick. My vision is icky and I feel really nauseous.

The whole point of Sunday morning worship is to worship. It is not about me, it is about Him. We often forget that fact. It doesn’t matter how I feel, or how I think, but what God has commanded me to do. And I have many things to worship him for. I pray that I can keep that at the forefront of my mind. Maybe I’m completely wrong.

 1Corinthians 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.”

I don’t want to seem haughty or anything in like ‘quoting Scripture’ and seeming ‘holier than thou’ . I don’t want to appear a fraud. I’m completely open. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to push my faith on anyone or make it appear I have so much knowledge or anything. That being said, this is my blog so  I’ll say what I want lol. I have been raised in a very faithful family, went to a private Christian school, and attended Harding University. So, …. 

I won’t deny my faith by any means, I just want to clarify my motives and everything, even though I know I dont have to. Does that make any sense? My faith is between myself and God. We have a relationship all our own. But i don’t want people to think I’m faking it.Maybe That is vanity? I need to ask someone about these things. 

As you’ve read before, I see Brandon as truly my biggest blessing from God. Brandon gives me a feeling of such comfort that washes over me when I’m hurting, scared, or anything that nothing else can compare to. God gives comfort in different ways to different people, but I believe He gives me comfort through Brandon. Even when we first started dating, through engagement, and now.

Because of this belief and the comfort Brandon provides, I don’t like to be away from him for very long. Not now. While dating and engagement, we really only saw each other on the weekends or long weekends, because of my schooling and his work. 

So I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a needy girl. In fact, i enjoy my space and time spent alone. That being said, in my current situation (I don’t like saying the word) I don’t like to be left alone or not have tv on in the background. I need a distraction. I just want one other person around. Brandon, dad, mom, Hardy, Jeanie, Nathanael…. No one else I really feel okay falling apart in from of. 

This post seems very all over the place and confused. I seem very all over the place and confused. I guess these posts really do reflect how I am currently because they babble and meander as I do….  I wake up each morning in a dazed horror as i realize that this isn’t just a nightmare but reality. same thing this morning, it’s like a shock when I wake up, this isn’t just a bad dream. This is happening and I can’t escape it. I feel caught firmly in death’s grip. 

This next week should be better as things slow down. Mom will be discharged Tuesday, she’ll be in a rehab facility and that should help her. I’ll be done with radiation and can try to pick up life again without daily appointments. It’ll change from daily appointments to monthly appointments. I’ll be going to OT to help me get my hand back to coordination. 

Please pray that this all goes away, that I can be healthy again. Please. 

Day 43: Mama’s Surgery

You may know that today was mom’s surgery. This is coming from my dad at 6:30pm, so if you speak to him after this or directly take what he says over me!!!

 She’s finally out of surgery, she’s ok and stable, she’s not in ICU, she’s in a normal room, she’s in a lot of pain, has thrown up once, but it’s a reaction to her coming down from the anesthesia. They’re figuring out how to Manage her pain, she’s got a whole pain management team. Daddy is with her. And dad is very tired.

So, I’ve updated you on mom and dad, Brandon is at work until close tonight, the boys are out on a mowing job, the puppies are clearly anxious and confused as to why mom isn’t here (she’s their favorite) and I’m home alone watching Netflix. I’d love to say I feel relieved and in some ways I do, but I feel lonely and I want Brandon here. 

I can tell I’m feeling upset somehow because I’m wanting cheesecake, and doughnuts, and Diet Coke, and gravy and cake. These are my addiction foods and when I’m feeling overwhelmed they are my go to. 

I like that I’m having time by myself today, right now, and at the same time I feel too alone with my own headspace. I can feel depression creeping down my back like a creeping little spider, literally making my skin crawl from the icky thoughts that it brings. In a trigger warning way, I feel really tempted to self-harm (something I’ve struggled with in the past) but I know I shouldn’t, I know that, I’m alone, and logically because I’m on chemo pills that make it harder for my blood to coagulate and no one home here, I might as well just save sometime and kill myself lol. Don’t worry, I’m not going to!!!! Just thinking logically, that is what would happen. I’m tempted but I know I can’t, that would hurt Brandon and I won’t do that. 

Like, i would be shopping with my friends right now if I could, my hair would be so healthy and long and blonde right now, my skin would be so tan and without all these stretchmarks, I’d be graduated and working my dream job at Allsteel, coming home to my perfect husband and fur-babies, I’d be helping improve my parents house so that it was better for them, using my ID degree to help them first, I’d be applying to Cornell’s DEA program for January 2017, I’d be so much further ahead in wedding planning, I’d be working out harder for the wedding, and re-reading my annual summer reading list and going to Genesius Guild productions… my life was supposed to be so different and it’s not what I want it to be right now. I keep thinking that hopefully, God-willing, next summer will be more like what I was hoping.

Pray for my mom and my family please. 

Day 42

It’s June 28th! Sunday! I didn’t go to morning church today because I was feeling too tired and don’t like going without Brandon, who is working today. He works until 4. We’ll go to evening church, but I know I shouldn’t use him as an excuse to not go to morning church just because I’m not social. Through this experience, I’m withdrawing, which I don’t think is a good thing, but it just is. I don’t dislike people or anything, I just don’t want to be around people very much. I find myself wanting to be alone or only with 1 or 2 people. 

Today I’ve been eating healthy and working on organizing Brandon’s and my area… I think it’s coming along nicely, albeit slowly because I am not allowed to lift over 10 pounds. And it really bothers me to have to ask Brandon to do everything, and I know that has to be a lot on him as well with everything else.

Y’all know Brandon’s parents came up for Father’s Day? Well his mama took my engagement / wedding ring with her back to Arkansas so we could get the set all soldered together and resized (bc my ring doesn’t fit with all the fluid I’m holding). I know in the grand scheme of things, me getting to wear my wedding ring isn’t that big a deal, but I cannot wait to have it back on my finger. I’ve worn that ring everyday for over a year and I still find myself randomly panicking when I can’t feel it on my finger… I like the symbol and I just miss my ring. I think I’ll get it back when we go to Arkansas July 18th for my appointment with Dr. Krisht.

Tomorrow mama has her surgery. She’s really scared. I know dad is scared. I’m scared because I know they’re scared. The boys are aloof as always lol. It’s going to be a long surgery and because of the way mom metabolizes pain medication, hardly any pain medications work on her. I hate that for her. And just like infusion chemo is my biggest dread, conscious intubation is my mother’s. She won’t know until tomorrow morning if they will be doing that, and that is adding to her worry. Dear Lord, give my mom and dad peace over this, give them strength through this. 

Mom and dad are leaving to go up to Iowa city tonight because her report time tomorrow is so early and it’s a fairly long drive (1 1/2 hours). So I won’t see mom right before or after her surgery…. I don’t like that. If I didn’t have this dumb cancer then I could drive myself (I love driving, the longer the better) and stay there as long as needed and do more to help. I wouldn’t have all these appointments :/ 

At any rate, I can only do what I can do right now. Tuesday, Brandon and I will get to see mom finally, and I have a poop-ton of appointments. I’ve got physical therapy, occupational therapy, radiation, labs, Meeting with Dr. Monga, and meeting with Dr. Nisely (which ironically enough, my iPhone autocorrects “Nisely” to “misery” hahahaha). 

Tuesday is going to stink because of all that, and I just want to get to hang out with my mom and watch cruddy hospital tv. Additionally, I’m made anxious that dad is leaving mom’s side to come to my appointments with the doctors from 1-3:30. It’s a relatively short amount of time, but speaking from experience, it feels longer when it’s your partner missing. 

When I re-read this, this post sounds so negative:/ I don’t want people reading to worry or think I’m sliding emotionally into something bad. I would be lying if I said everything was completely fine, because it’s obviously not, but this blog, especially this post, is where I vent, open freely about the little thoughts that run through my head. 

Please pray for mom with her surgery, for dad with moms surgery, for myself with this dumb cancer, and for Jeanie flying in Thursday. Pray thanks for all the same things. It’s wonderful that we have technology and science that have made this surgery possible, my treatment possible, and for friends to be able to see you in just a few hours. Thank you Lord for everything you give us.

Romans 12:12

Day 41: Saturday, Independence Day: 2, and Eating Healthy

Today is Saturday and I’m really glad to not have to drive to Iowa city or anything:) it’s just nice to not have any appointments. 

My brothers, dad and Brandon and I are going to see Independence Day 2 today and it’s going to be so much fun! 

I’ve been eating much healthier for the past few days and I know it won’t show right away, but I’m glad to be trying. My physical therapy ends this Thursday and my therapist has strongly encouraged that I do strengthening yoga, which is awesome. I love yoga so being told I need to do it really doesn’t bother me, if anything, it’s great because now I can use this as a reason to have to!:) lol

I’ve been looking into getting extensions professionally put in but it’s pretty confusing since my hair hasn’t completely fallen out but in sections. So I have normal length hair in sections and no hair at all in others. What it looks like is that I need to wait until I have 1-2 inches of regrowth and then set a consultation with someone who has experience with extensions and then they’ll put them in. So I’m going to be playing the patience game until about September. 

Hopefully by then I’ll have lost the fluid weight from the steroids, won’t look so chipmunky, my acne from steroids will be gone, and I’ll have slimmed down some from being healthier. I want to be pretty for Brandon, especially on his birthday, September 12th:))) so I’m going to try really hard to stick to my ‘diet’ lifestyle change, and taking care of my scalp! Lol

In conclusion for today, please pray for my mama who has surgery early Monday morning – 5am – and is in a lot of pain right now. She’s also really scared.  Please pray God takes this icky cancer from me, He can do anything. And pray thanks for all the wonderful little things there are in today that God has given us. Thanks 🙂

Romans 12:12

Day 40: Friday, Dr. Day, and Hair Questions

Only 6 more radiations left! Yay! I am so excited for this leg of this journey to be done. Whilst waiting in the radiation waiting area, I was reading an old fall issue of Good Housekeeping and stumbled upon an article about a woman who had been struggling with her weight a lot, was diagnosed with cancer (breast cancer) and  then after (amazingly) beating her cancer, she also conquered her weight battle and is still fighting to be a healthy strong woman.

I want to be like that…. I want to beat this cancer and beat my long-standing battle with weight and be the strong and smart wife, mama, and woman of God I know I can be.

I met with Dr. Smith today and we discussed my reactions to radiation and such… Everything is going very well! I asked him about when I can color my hair, or use growth stimulating shampoos and such. He said that I should wait a couple weeks after radiation ends, just because we want to make sure there isn’t a rash or reaction since my scalp will understandably be sensitive. 

Additionally, typically after radiation ends you have a follow up MRI 1 month after, but since dad Brandon and I will be traveling to Arkansas at the end of July to see Dr. Krisht to follow up and get an MRI for him, Dr. Smith said I can get a CD copy of the MRI images in Arkansas and bring that back to him. This way I don’t have to have another MRI the week after. I’m glad because that saves my drivers time, my insurance money, and the technicians time! 

I’m trying to decide between shaving all my hair off and starting over or getting tape extensions put in…. There’s a lot of thought I have to put into it, but it’s all logistics. Mom has surgery on Monday and she’s really not feeling well today. And daddy is stressed and he’s not feeling well. Please pray for both of them. Thank you!

June 22nd, 2016 (Day 38 part 2)

Today was the cake tasting for cupcakes at the wedding. We’ve had the actual wedding cake decided on for a while and that’s all been taken care of, but the cupcakes were really difficult to figure out because no one in the Quad Cities would even try to make them, because of how much detail of fondant they require. But they’re what the entire concept of my wedding is based on. To use an interior design term, these cupcakes are my wedding’s ‘parti’. The bakery who is actually making these cupcakes is “Oh So Sweet by Tiphanie”   ⭐️🌙🍰🍦🍭🎂🍫🍩🍪🍡

(Leyara Cakes, AU)

It was supposed to be Brandon, myself, and my mom at the tasting but Brandon doesn’t like any cake except white cake with plain white frosting so we decided that he wouldn’t be any help with making decisions in this part of wedding planning. Dad gladly took his place lol. Yum yum yum. It was great. And we got it ALL taken care of and booked and planned. I’m so happy!!! More progress on wedding stuff!

(Leyara Cakes, AU)

Oh yeah, and I had radiation today so…. It’s like…. 8 radiations left. These last 8 ( well 9,including today) are just a couple minutes shorter because they’re considered “boosts”.  After all of this, I’m going to glow in the dark from all the radiation (you can only safely do so much lol, so I will have done all I can do at the end of this!) 

Now I’m just hanging out, mom is combing through what’s left of my hair. lol and I’m looking forward to her making my favorite soup tonight. Also, a dear friend of mine is coming to visit next week, Jeanie Linton. So pray for safe travels for her! 

(Beautiful Jeanie trying on her bridesmaid dress!!!)
In closing, the Christian Chronicle article came out today, here’s the link:

Please give it a read 🙂 Ms. Jones did a great job turning my garbled mush into a beautiful story! I’m honored to get to share my struggle with others and have people care enough to read! 

Prayer Requests: mom for surgery on June 27th, Jeanie traveling next week to come visit, and that this cancer all go away. I can’t, but God can.

Romans 12:12

Day 35: Sunday, and Resting, Power and Control

Oh my gosh everyone, yesterday was ah-maz-ing! Trevor, Amy, Brandon and myself went to Disc Replay and traded in some old video games of Brandon’s, and Amy found 3 of her favorite movies for basically no moneys…. (Side note: disc replay is a really good and cheap place to buy and sell movies, video games, books, etc.) and I got the book, “Football For Dummies” for 2$! I hadn’t bought it previously because Amazon charges 15-20$ for it and I couldn’t justify it lol. But 2$ so I can better understand something my husband loves so much? I can do that. Lol

Then we ran a couple more errands and headed home to begin ‘The Feast’ as I like to call it. Trevor fired up the grill and I fired up the oven and let me cut this a little short, but we had so much delicious food, it was like a Thanksgiving-type feast lol. I’m thankful to God for the opportunity and blessing to enjoy such great meals, when there are people who can’t. I’m thankful for those meals with people who love / care about me and who I love / care about. Thank you, Lord!

Today Amy and Trevor head back to Arkansas, boo 😦   So please pray for safe travels for them! And Brandon works from 8am-1pm, opens, DG today. Daddy and the boys will be going to church this morning, while mama and I stay home. 

I’m staying home from church this morning for a couple reasons: 1. I am super exhausted. Yesterday was a big day and I only slept six hours the night before. 2. just naturally, Sunday morning church has more people, and as chemo continues, my immune system is further compromised, and I’m just paranoid someone I don’t know is sick will pat me on the back or hug me or something sweet and unintentional and make me sick :/ 3. Being around so many people exhausts me, emotionally and mentally, very quickly. 

(Let me add a PREFACE here that this post is all over the place and scatterbrained, poorly written and super long.) 

All this being said, I still need to, fellowship with fellow believers as is commanded of me, and take the Lords Supper. I plan to attend evening church tonight with Brandon, because he’ll be off work and it will be a little thinner crowd then. 

Church just makes me feel good… It makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Not like checking it off my to-do list or something but God tells us to go and worship him, and this is how I obey that. I feel like that is something I can do that brings me closer to God, someone I’m relying on very heavily at this point in my life. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, but that is how I feel about it currently. I’m not a theologian, let’s let that be known lol.

Power and control… 2 things I love. I like to be the boss, I like to be in charge. This whole change in my life is forcing me to learn that I really have no power or control in an overall sense. This is both a jarring and relieving revelation. At the beginning of this ‘cancer experience’ I won’t lie to you, I was scared, furious at God, and an emotional wreck, with constant break downs and outbursts, etc. 

and I’m not ashamed of that. …..when you know the plans for the next few months that you’ve so carefully planned: you’re about to graduate from undergrad, trying to apply for graduate school, and you’ve been offered your dream job, all while getting to have an amazing summer with your fiancé and family and then it all crumbles, well frankly, that sucks.

Then I started thinking scarier and deeper, less petulantly, and more fearfully about the future. Questions like, “will I get years and anniversaries with my husband and is it fair to even marry him if I know I’ll widow him?”, “will I ever get to have a child?”, and morbidly enough, “how do I want to have my body taken care of after I pass?”. Yes in the hospital, immediately after my diagnosis of GBM, I had given up. I thought and felt that they had just given me 15 months to live and figure out my affairs. 

These are all things I’m okay with that I’ve thought or have happened, this is part of my personal experience with cancer and how I’m dealing with it. I wouldn’t change it. I’ve told Brandon so many times that I want to try to experience a little of everything, I’ll try anything once… I’m experiencing something no one ever wants to, and while I’m not going to say I’m thankful for cancer, I’m thankful for the mental and emotional, spiritual and logical, processes / experiences I’m going through while dealing with it.

The blessings and learning and growing I see in myself and those around me through this is a gift I can never exchange. The hard and terrifying questions I had before are still there and they’re still daunting, but you know what? I can’t answer them. I don’t know. I have not power or control over this situation. All I can do is control my response. And that’s where I am right now. It’s not easy. It is crazy-difficult everyday to not dwell on those thoughts, but all they do is upset me, and that’s not helpful in anyway to this experience for me, so I move to new thoughts. And there-in lies my coping mechanism for now lol. 

There’s a sort of relief in knowing God has it in His hands and not mine. I pray each night that He change the plan slightly and take this from me, a prayer of petition I say, so you can see I am still struggling to relinquish control I don’t have to begin with lol. But it’s kind of nice to not be in charge here. So there’s today’s peak into my mind, hope ya enjoy it and don’t get too confused. I love reading your comments and messages you leave me on messenger and texts. Thank you!

God’s got this and I’m along for the ride.