Today I’ll finally be back in church and I sure need it. I’m embarrassed to go because everything makes me cry and I don’t want people to come over and pat me on the back or anything because that makes it worse. I’d rather people just ignore it. But I understand the desire to comfort and show compassion so I shouldn’t get annoyed.
UPDATE 9am: I don’t think I’m going to be going to church this morning – I’m feeling really sick. My vision is icky and I feel really nauseous.
The whole point of Sunday morning worship is to worship. It is not about me, it is about Him. We often forget that fact. It doesn’t matter how I feel, or how I think, but what God has commanded me to do. And I have many things to worship him for. I pray that I can keep that at the forefront of my mind. Maybe I’m completely wrong.
1Corinthians 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.”
I don’t want to seem haughty or anything in like ‘quoting Scripture’ and seeming ‘holier than thou’ . I don’t want to appear a fraud. I’m completely open. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to push my faith on anyone or make it appear I have so much knowledge or anything. That being said, this is my blog so I’ll say what I want lol. I have been raised in a very faithful family, went to a private Christian school, and attended Harding University. So, ….
I won’t deny my faith by any means, I just want to clarify my motives and everything, even though I know I dont have to. Does that make any sense? My faith is between myself and God. We have a relationship all our own. But i don’t want people to think I’m faking it.Maybe That is vanity? I need to ask someone about these things.
As you’ve read before, I see Brandon as truly my biggest blessing from God. Brandon gives me a feeling of such comfort that washes over me when I’m hurting, scared, or anything that nothing else can compare to. God gives comfort in different ways to different people, but I believe He gives me comfort through Brandon. Even when we first started dating, through engagement, and now.
Because of this belief and the comfort Brandon provides, I don’t like to be away from him for very long. Not now. While dating and engagement, we really only saw each other on the weekends or long weekends, because of my schooling and his work.
So I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a needy girl. In fact, i enjoy my space and time spent alone. That being said, in my current situation (I don’t like saying the word) I don’t like to be left alone or not have tv on in the background. I need a distraction. I just want one other person around. Brandon, dad, mom, Hardy, Jeanie, Nathanael…. No one else I really feel okay falling apart in from of.
This post seems very all over the place and confused. I seem very all over the place and confused. I guess these posts really do reflect how I am currently because they babble and meander as I do…. I wake up each morning in a dazed horror as i realize that this isn’t just a nightmare but reality. same thing this morning, it’s like a shock when I wake up, this isn’t just a bad dream. This is happening and I can’t escape it. I feel caught firmly in death’s grip.
This next week should be better as things slow down. Mom will be discharged Tuesday, she’ll be in a rehab facility and that should help her. I’ll be done with radiation and can try to pick up life again without daily appointments. It’ll change from daily appointments to monthly appointments. I’ll be going to OT to help me get my hand back to coordination.
Please pray that this all goes away, that I can be healthy again. Please.