Today is Friday and on Monday, dad, Brandon and I will make the arduous trek to Littke Rock, Arkansas. I’m hoping to convince Nathanael to come with us because he somehow just makes things better and keeps me positive and laughing — he’s an angel. That being said, I’m not sure I trust Hardy to care for the dogs without Nathanael, so I guess we’ll see.
I think we’re going to get dinner at Wings To Go in Jonesboro (where bran is from) after the appointments and then drive back home. I’m trying to cut this ‘journey’ as short as possible. I just want to be back home, secure, around my mom and family and brothers and puppies.
I’m also really embarrassed and nervous to eat at Wings to Go because that’s where I worked last summer and so much has changed about me since then. I don’t even look the same. People are going to look at me so weird or ask how I am and I’m not ok. People asking me how Iam just makes me burst into tears.
Actually, a friend asked me yesterday if she thought this whole “c experience” has changed me and how I look at life… and I can’t even begin to explain, describe, or fully understand how much everything has changed. I’m barely the same person and I don’t know if that’s good or not or if I like it or not.
The main changes Ill Share with you are that my core values are honed in now — they were muddied before but they are crystal clear now.
Additionally, another major change is that I’ve always been an easy crier but I’m an even bigger crier now. The pure kindness of strangers… The waitress topping off my coffee with a big smile, or getting a card from a stranger (like a HU faculty member) just makes me break down completely. I can’t even sing a full song in church without choking up. I just hum instead. Even seeing my brother smile at me or getting a sweet text message makes me bawl.
Mom is in the rehab facility until July 29th and I’m missing her like crazy. I just want to hug my mom and cry and cry and cry. I miss her so much. I want us both to be better.
I see my psychologist on July 25th. She’s an amazing woman and she already knows me well — she’s who I saw during high school and such. So I’m glad to have that background there. An established relationship.
So we leave on Monday, I have the MRI on Tuesday at 10am and then I meet with Dr. Krisht 12pm that same day. I’m not sure what we’re looking for… In fact, I think we want to just find nothing at all. That would be the hope. SO I’m going to ask a lot of all of you, anyone who reads this…
Please please please be praying hard that this appointment shows no regrowth, that I’m still responsive to treatments and that cancer is out of me. Share this and get everyone praying. God listens to prayers, petitions. Please please please. Get anyone and everyone you can to pray. I’ve truly never been more scared about anything in my life, but I know God is going to take care of me. I just have to keep my faith in Him, even if I’m angry at him. Just pray for this MRI to be clean and clear. I am begging God for a clean bill of health.