My appointment was earlier today. As per usual, depressed. So I was bumpin’ to my new anthem, The Greatest, by Sia, while Brandon was getting us a pretzels from inside the Corrallville Mall.
My appointment was fine. We went over options for the next step. Dr. Monga and his fellow looked at my MRI taken the morning after my surgery so I didn’t have an MRI today. We went over chemo options. Currently it’s just a waiting game … at least until Tuesday when Monga confers with other doctors at the tumor board.
Monga is waiting to check with Smith to see if I’m able to do 1-5 more rounds of radiation. Bc to be in the 1st choice treatment option, it’s a clinical trial that requires 1-5 radiations. If I don’t qualify for that, then I do an intravenous chemo (the kind where you lose your hair) which is my worst nightmare. That’s why I’m so upset and depressed. The prospect of it almost makes me want to give up entirely and just let this take me. I’ve been working so hard to grow my hair back healthy to just have it taken away and have more poison pumped into my body…. not only poison, but I’ll have to sit there for 3-4 hours with an IV in… I’ll look grey and dead, feel sick, etc. the stereotypical chemo symptoms… why not just give up?
I’m tired of trying.
I don’t want to anymore.
We’ll find out if I can be in the trial sometime after Tuesday and before February 14th.
I miss my dad. He won’t be home til Saturday. I miss my brothers and they’re right here. I miss my mom and she’s sitting next to me.
I feel weak and selfish and ashamed that I’m not being more courageous and stronger. Other women go about chemo with so much more grace and poise and don’t care about losing their hair.
I’m disappointed in life and in myself. And I’m sure God is disappointed in me right now too. Why can’t I be stronger for him. So he’s probably not going to heal me anytime soon, so as to teach me a lesson.
Anyways, going to bed. ‘Night.