255: post-op appointment 

Hey there,

My appointment was earlier today. As per usual, depressed. So I was bumpin’ to my new anthem, The Greatest, by Sia, while Brandon was getting us a pretzels from inside the Corrallville Mall. 

My appointment was fine. We went over options for the next step. Dr. Monga and his fellow looked at my MRI taken the morning after my surgery so I didn’t have an MRI today. We went over chemo options. Currently it’s just a waiting game … at least until Tuesday when Monga confers with other doctors at the tumor board. 

Monga is waiting to check with Smith to see if I’m able to do 1-5 more rounds of radiation. Bc to be in the 1st choice treatment option, it’s a clinical trial that requires 1-5 radiations. If I don’t qualify for that, then I do an intravenous chemo (the kind where you lose your hair) which is my worst nightmare. That’s why I’m so upset and depressed. The prospect of it almost makes me want to give up entirely and just let this take me. I’ve been working so hard to grow my hair back healthy to just have it taken away and have more poison pumped into my body…. not only poison, but I’ll have to sit there for 3-4 hours with an IV in… I’ll look grey and dead, feel sick, etc. the stereotypical chemo symptoms… why not just give up? 

I’m tired of fighting. 

I’m tired of trying.

I don’t want to anymore.

We’ll find out if I can be in the trial sometime after Tuesday and before February 14th.

I miss my dad. He won’t be home til Saturday. I miss my brothers and they’re right here. I miss my mom and she’s sitting next to me. 

I feel weak and selfish and ashamed that I’m not being more courageous and stronger. Other women go about chemo with so much more grace and poise and don’t care about losing their hair. 

I’m disappointed in life and in myself. And I’m sure God is disappointed in me right now too. Why can’t I be stronger for him. So he’s probably not going to heal me anytime soon, so as to teach me a lesson. 

Anyways, going to bed. ‘Night. 

2 thoughts on “255: post-op appointment 

  1. Michelle

    Stand up and give that load you’re tryin’ to carry to Jesus. He said He can carry it, then put your arm around my shoulders and we will walk a couple inches together. Then maybe 4 the next day. Then maybe fall down the day after that but we’ll get back up and walk again and pray. You have so many folks that will take an arm and help you walk this road but the main person stands next you every moment and every second AND every breath of your life. You’ve also been blessed with an amazing husband who will ALWAYS no matter what need you to keep fighting. Please remember he needs you like he needs nourishment. It’s easy to see how much he loves you! Call me anytime. I’ll kick your butt, love you, drive you (as long as theres no snow) listen to you anything. Ive not had cancer, but I’ve had to fight. Love ya, Michelle


  2. Amy Lindle

    Hi there!
    I have been following your story for quite some time now.
    Though we do not know each other (we share several friends- Anna and Bethany) I wanted to let you know that you have inspired me and encouraged me in my faith.
    You are strong and amazing. The fact you choose to fight day in and day out is remarkable. Keep fighting the good fight and in all this take heart in the fact that God is NEVER disappointed in you and in your weakness his strength is made perfect,
    In times of hardship, it is common to believe that it is Gods way of punishing us for how we feel, but that’s simply not the case. I’m hear to reassure you that even now God is holding you in His arms and hears your every need. He loves you so.
    Again, you are incredible, beautiful and such a blessing!
    Continuing to pray for you!



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