Day 254: night before post-op appointment 

I’m really scared about my post-op appointment at Iowa City tomorrow. I mean, I’m excited to get my staples out so I can finally wash my hair, but we’ll also discuss what the next step is…. and that scares me. 


This past week and a half (whenever I got home after surgery) has been pretty great and calm and relaxing and just really uplifting. I got to see my therapist, Dr. Ricketts, two days after getting home, and that was really cathartic. We had set up the appointment before I left for surgery as a kind of placeholder that I would make it through surgery just fine and wouldn’t die.

 

But now the two weeks are up and I feel forced to snap back into the reality of my condition… blood draws, MRIs, symptom checks, bad news, etc. and I know I’m going to disappoint my doctors tomorrow – my vision is off, my walking is off… they’re not gunna be happy with that. That’s scary. Because what if that means something is terribly wrong? 


And while we’re discussing the “next step” what if they say the best option is intravenous chemotherapy? I mean, I’ll do it, but that is terrifying and horrifying.

And they told me in my email and text reminders that I wouldn’t have to do a blood draw tomorrow, but they’ve said that before and then made me still. I’ve gotten to where it doesn’t really bother me anymore but all my veins are still healing from surgery and I’m totally bruised up… painful bruises. So I’m really really dreading that.

 

And then what if my doctor wants an MRI done tomorrow? Then that’s yet another stick. And what if the MRI shows it’s all come back and I have to have surgery all over again so soon? 


I know that these are a bunch of what-ifs, and this thinking isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how to stop it…. it’s like a mind infection. 


Anyways, my nighttime medicine has thoroughly kicked in (they make me really sleepy) so I’m going to say my prayers and head to bed.

Goodnight, all! 

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