Good afternoon!

I am having a wonderful Valentine’s Day with my sweet husband. We celebrated yesterday, by going to Outback Steakhouse and then had a free stay (courtesy of my parents-in-law) at Hotel Blackhawk (where we got married in December). We watched some movies, relaxed, and got to spend some much needed quality time together where we made a rule to not talk about the’c’ word or anything in that realm. It was an amazing little escape. Plus the hotels robes are so so fluffy and comfy!:) today we’re just hanging out here at the house, eating our delicious leftovers (I like leftovers best) and preparing for our travels tomorrow. 

(I just want all the cake and sweets)

I can’t thank Brandon, my parents, my in-laws, or my God enough. I’m just so blessed.

I’m really scared about the appointment on Thursday. But I’m now looking forward to the flight and stay in Houston. I downloaded the TripAdvisor app a few days ago and have been finding free things to do nearby the hospitals areas and I found really great places to try for food. So it will be a good new experience. I was trying to distract myself, but I’m glad it turned into a little bit of something I could enjoy and look forward to. I’m anxious they’ll want me to be admitted into the hospital or want me to stay there for many days, but there’s really no use in worrying myself. Plus I’m probably just scaring myself. Why would they admit me when there are people who need the bed more? Hospitals are basically always at max capacity. Sad, but true. 

(I need more of this ^^^ in my life!)

Please pray for the three of us on our travels tomorrow. Please pray for safety, peace of mind, a good attitude, strength, and stamina, today, tomorrow and everyday. 
Prayers please! Thank you Lord for all your mercies and blessings when none of us deserve it. 

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Howdy y’all! 

Next week, Brandon, myself, and dad are headed to Houston – MD Anderson to be precise. We’re going for ‘a second opinion’ for what the next step is.

We’re leaving on the 15th, flying out of Chicago, and flying into Houston. The appointment with whichever doctor is on the 16th. I’m pretty nervous because I have no idea of what we’re actually doing – even just getting the appointment was a big deal. I guess I have a very connected father #blessed. Even to be put on the schedule, they had to have every single one of my medical records and reports. Pretty fancy, huh? lol I feel so exclusive! lol everyone wants to know my health info.! Haha I keep having nightmares that they’re going to put in, what’s called a, “pic-line”. They hurt to put in. And I’m just a very hard stick which makes it worse and even more painful. 

I am working on controlling my mind and worry and letting God just take it all – proving to be extremely difficult. So every time I start panicking about Texas, I try to find a positive. Like, last night, this morning, I started freaking out after a pic-line nightmare. So I looked up all the vintage and retro shops in Houston. I’ve also been looking at good places to eat. Might as well try to enjoy. Make the best of a crappy situation and all. 

I don’t know what we’re doing, how long we’re staying, what’s going to happen, but I do know that everything is going to God’s plan. He has it all, so I don’t have to. My husband loves me. My parents love me. God loves me. And no one is trying to hurt me. Everyone is working their best for me. I’m so humbled and blessed. Thank you to every single person who is praying, donating, or loving me. I wish I could give each and every one of you a hug. 

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Hey there,

My appointment was earlier today. As per usual, depressed. So I was bumpin’ to my new anthem, The Greatest, by Sia, while Brandon was getting us a pretzels from inside the Corrallville Mall. 

My appointment was fine. We went over options for the next step. Dr. Monga and his fellow looked at my MRI taken the morning after my surgery so I didn’t have an MRI today. We went over chemo options. Currently it’s just a waiting game … at least until Tuesday when Monga confers with other doctors at the tumor board. 

Monga is waiting to check with Smith to see if I’m able to do 1-5 more rounds of radiation. Bc to be in the 1st choice treatment option, it’s a clinical trial that requires 1-5 radiations. If I don’t qualify for that, then I do an intravenous chemo (the kind where you lose your hair) which is my worst nightmare. That’s why I’m so upset and depressed. The prospect of it almost makes me want to give up entirely and just let this take me. I’ve been working so hard to grow my hair back healthy to just have it taken away and have more poison pumped into my body…. not only poison, but I’ll have to sit there for 3-4 hours with an IV in… I’ll look grey and dead, feel sick, etc. the stereotypical chemo symptoms… why not just give up? 

I’m tired of fighting. 

I’m tired of trying.

I don’t want to anymore.

We’ll find out if I can be in the trial sometime after Tuesday and before February 14th.

I miss my dad. He won’t be home til Saturday. I miss my brothers and they’re right here. I miss my mom and she’s sitting next to me. 

I feel weak and selfish and ashamed that I’m not being more courageous and stronger. Other women go about chemo with so much more grace and poise and don’t care about losing their hair. 

I’m disappointed in life and in myself. And I’m sure God is disappointed in me right now too. Why can’t I be stronger for him. So he’s probably not going to heal me anytime soon, so as to teach me a lesson. 

Anyways, going to bed. ‘Night. 

I’m really scared about my post-op appointment at Iowa City tomorrow. I mean, I’m excited to get my staples out so I can finally wash my hair, but we’ll also discuss what the next step is…. and that scares me. 

This past week and a half (whenever I got home after surgery) has been pretty great and calm and relaxing and just really uplifting. I got to see my therapist, Dr. Ricketts, two days after getting home, and that was really cathartic. We had set up the appointment before I left for surgery as a kind of placeholder that I would make it through surgery just fine and wouldn’t die.

But now the two weeks are up and I feel forced to snap back into the reality of my condition… blood draws, MRIs, symptom checks, bad news, etc. and I know I’m going to disappoint my doctors tomorrow – my vision is off, my walking is off… they’re not gunna be happy with that. That’s scary. Because what if that means something is terribly wrong? 

And while we’re discussing the “next step” what if they say the best option is intravenous chemotherapy? I mean, I’ll do it, but that is terrifying and horrifying.

And they told me in my email and text reminders that I wouldn’t have to do a blood draw tomorrow, but they’ve said that before and then made me still. I’ve gotten to where it doesn’t really bother me anymore but all my veins are still healing from surgery and I’m totally bruised up… painful bruises. So I’m really really dreading that.

And then what if my doctor wants an MRI done tomorrow? Then that’s yet another stick. And what if the MRI shows it’s all come back and I have to have surgery all over again so soon? 

I know that these are a bunch of what-ifs, and this thinking isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how to stop it…. it’s like a mind infection. 

Anyways, my nighttime medicine has thoroughly kicked in (they make me really sleepy) so I’m going to say my prayers and head to bed.

Goodnight, all!