This post is gunna be pretty scattered – as today my feelings and thoughts are pretty scattered.
A great thing that just happened to align with today is that I finished my 6th round of chemo last night. 6 of 18, so I’m 1/3 done. What a great gift 🎁 for the Opening of 2017. It’s a little thing, but it feels good.
Today is day 224, December 31st, the last day of the year 2016 – a year I can easily call the worst of my life. I am so happy to be closing it; although I’m scared about it ending too. I’m a bit anxious that 2017 will end up the same as 2016 – health issues, my life feeling halted; a lack of purpose and an overwhelming empty feeling. I wish I could say I’m coming off this year stronger and better.
However, throughout the past 224 days of this grueling fight, I’ve been learning, and there are some great things to be thankful for that only this year could give me; I finally graduated from undergraduate – a feat that took me longer than any other feat in my life so far. That accomplishment gives me more evidence of my own ability to endure and persevere than any other thing in my life; I married my true love, a man who loves me in a such a selfless and unconditional way, that he wouldn’t leave me when I tried to force him (when we found out about the cancer); I found understanding and mercy and comfort from God and I don’t think I wouldve ever found this relationship if this horrible situation hadn’t happened. So as much as I wish and hope for it to constantly be taken away or forgotten I have to remember that this is something that brought me closer to the best of my life. The true and absolute purpose of existence. I’ve been forced to look at life differently and role with the punches – which I really hate. I’ve been pushed to grow up and really stare death in the face and try to make some sort of sense of it. Let me make this clear – there is no sense to be made, at least as far as I can tell. There are too many little things that come along with thinking your life might be ending so much sooner than you ever imagined. You really end up having to live in small moments – that’s my latest struggle. I like to plan for the future but with all this situation I feel like I’m tempting fate, God, the universe, whatever, when I try to plan further than a few months. So assembling something that feels fulfilling and accomplishing is a major goal for me in 2017.
– reaching my goal weight / size
– getting my extensions put in so I look and feel more like myself
– work on and finish my year reading challenge
– maintaining my relationship with God even when things are going well; not just when I feel like it’s all going down.
– get my plastic surgery
– put 1500.00$ in my CD by December 27th, 2017
– get a home with Brandon and have a really nice house warming party
– get my dogs into obedience school
– last but not least – really kick cancer.