Let me explain lol… So I’m on hydrocortisone which is a much better steroid than I was on before. That being said, it still sucks. Anyways, Dr. Monga had set it up for me to taper it down even slower than my tapers before so that I wouldn’t go into withdrawals…. FAIL!
My dosage was 5 pills in the morning and 5 pills in the evening, each day for 7 days and then go down to 3 pills in the morning and 3 pills in the evening. That did not work well. I was very sick on Sunday and miserable yesterday. So we just went ahead back to 5 pills yesterday evening and for the foreseeable future. And I feel just fine! I still have no appetite but mom and Brandon are doing an annoyingly thorough job of making sure I eat and drink. Because getting malnourished and dehydrated last time was the worst. And I hope and pray to God to never have to ever go back up to the infusion center to get rehydrated or anything. I think I’m suffering now, I think I’m miserable now, but I cannot fathom the misery of the people I saw in the infusion center. They are so strong.
The bald spot on the top of my head is slowly, slowly growing little hair sprouts lol. On the left side (the side opposite of the incision) there are a few little hairs and the right side is still pretty much bare -__- but that’s kind of expected because that’s the side that received direct radiation whereas the other places were secondary radiation locations.
I still have stretch marks allllll over my body, my back, back of my knees, armpits, and even my ankles (weird and gross right?) but I’ve been assured that this is all because of the steroid and chemo which makes your skin very weak and thin. So mom puts Palmers Cocoa Butter on all the stretch marks twice a day to help it some, so that whenever I’m off the steroid, these marks won’t be permanent. I’m going to buy some Bio-Oil because that is supposed to help. You know how permanent stretch marks are white? And new ones are like pink or purple ish ? Well all of mine are bright pink, so I’m holding out that these go away completely. Mom and dad have said that if they end up permanent, we’ll see a dermatologist about getting rid of them…. My parents are amazing. Doing anything and everything to help me feel like me, help me regain confidence.
I have so much I want to complain about. I struggle with each entry to not just make a bullet point list of everything that cancer has taken from me, every inconveniece or problem or pain, whether physical or emotional, cancer has inflicted, of each reason I want to give up or why it’s not worth it, without a guarantee that I will get more than a little bit. But that is selfish and dumb. Me complaining doesn’t help anything, in fact it truly just makes it that much harder on me and I’m sure it makes it harder on my support group. It’s bad enough having the thoughts in my head, I don’t need them written down or out loud.
It’s really easy to say I’m not going to complain but it’s much harder to follow through on and live.
My days consist of laying in bed in the basement, then taking my morning medicines and heading upstairs to lay on the sofa and try to distract myself with television and games on my phone. I’m sure this lack of activity is a big contribution to me feeling like there’s no point in living but I have no energy, and I definitely don’t want to leave my house. I don’t like being away from my parents or my brothers….I don’t necessarily need to be, like, right next to them or anything, but I like knowing we’re all in the house together. Idk why. The most activity I feel like accomplishing is walking around some outside.
Friday I have physical therapy and occupational therapy… I’ve even lost hope about that. I feel like I’ll never have my balance back completely, I’ll never be able to use my pretty hand-writing again or sketch for the career/degree I’ve worked so hard for.. I count it a positive thing dad has me on certain pills that cause alcohol to make you incredibly sick and miserable. Because I fear I would be spiraling even further than I am currently and would be a big cancerous alcoholic at this point…I’m unsure of how to turn this post in a more positive direction…. So I’ll just leave it here lol.
Please pray hard, share this with anyone and everyone you can, that this cup pass from me ASAP. I’m desperate. I want to get back to my life, I want to enjoy my wedding, and do all the activities I can’t currently, I want to work… Please pray, pray without ceasing, because God is the only one who can fix this.