Day 77: August 1

Today … What to say about today.

I’m not sure. For the past couple nights I’ve woken up at about 3 or 4am feeling really sick to my stomach, I haven’t thrown up, but it’s miserable. And yesterday, I was sick in the middle of the day, I hadn’t eaten anything because I’ve pretty much lost my appetite. It was all just stomach acid and it burnt really badly. Last night the same thing happened… I woke up at 4 and felt very sick. So I came upstairs to the livingroom. But it was terrible. I didn’t actually get sick, but I had taken a Xanax before bed, so when I woke up, I felt out of it and could barely keep my head up. Except when I put my head down, I felt terrible all over again.

Because I took a Xanax last night, I’ve been completely useless all day and have felt so icky. I’ve been taking Xanax to help me sleep because I can’t otherwise. I’m not sure why; probably because I cant suck my pinky, but I’m not sure really. 

During the day I can’t wait for night time, at nighttime I can’t wait to wake up. Im jealous when I get on Facebook and see my friends doing all these fun, outdoor things, traveling, and enjoying their normal summer activities as planned. I’ve basically unfollowed everyone on Facebook so as not to embitter myself further. 

It doesn’t help that this is terrifying. This seems to mimic how it was before… Feeling dizzy, out of it, nauseated…. 

I have an appointment with Dr. Ricketts on Wednesday… And I’m beginning to look forward to it because I keep going back and forward – feeling strong and determined or crumbling like a saltine cracker. And I need some help. I need someone to help me figure out how to cope with this continual sinking feeling. It goes in an out; feeling almost completely normal … So much so, that I almost forget I’m bald until I look in the mirror, or feeling like what ‘is the point?’ And wanting to just give up and end it myself.

I think I’m becoming dehydrated which is lending to the dizzy feeling; because I’ve got this awful taste in my mouth, it’s affected my appetite (which I suppose is good for my diet because any sweets are absolutely stomach-turning), so much so that even just water is hard to get down. 

Dad said it could be some of my meds that are making my taste be all weird and account for my loss of smell… There are so many things it could be; radiation to one’s head can cause temporary (up to 2 months) taste changes, I just got over an upper respiratory infection, my arsenal of different medications, or something entirely else.

This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. I just want my dad to hold me and let me cry. I’d sell my left arm to not have cancer. I just want it gone so so badly. I keep praying; I won’t let this destroy my faith; but I so often feel like God isn’t listening, or is saying ‘no’… And if, in the end, I’m going to die anyways, what is the point?

I’m all complaints and I feel I’ve lost all hope. I just want to spend time with my brothers and not have cancer anymore…. 

Please keep praying; I know I’m always asking; but I can’t ask anything else, it’s what I need. Please. 

2 thoughts on “Day 77: August 1

  1. Sue Stevenson

    My heart is heavy for you tonight dear girl!!so much for you to go thru and so many feelings to sort out! I know it helps you to put it down in writing,it’s not good to keep all this inside!!im praying for you to find peace and comfort and most of all for God to take this from you completely!!! In know you have a wonderful future ahead of you,just keep on keeping on till you pass thru this valley!! Much love your sister in Christ Sue


  2. Sonja H.

    Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You may not be where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.

    You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you’d ever imagined.

    Remember athlets train to win the gold medal even though they can never be sure the gold is going to be theirs, but they know if they don’t try to get the gold they never will obtain it. Though it is so very difficult, please don’t give up trying.

    Praying these difficult times will pass soon and that you are able to see God’s presence in all the little nice things your family and others do for you.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Know your church family loves you and continually pray’s for you.



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