Today is Sunday. Let’s rejoice!
I didn’t go to church this morning because I’ve been too tired to do anything… Which I think is because of chemo and I’m not getting good quality sleep, but dad and Brandon think is because of chemo and depression. My doctor wants to start me on a low dose of a stimulant to maybe give me some more energy, so I stubbornly agreed to try it.
I started occupational and physical therapy again this past Friday, and I have it again on Wednesday. It’s difficult, but I know it’s good for me and I can tell it makes Brandon and my parents happy because they don’t like seeing me depressed. The occupational therapist believes a lot of my tremor / deficit in my hand is because of my prolonged use of steroids which can’t really be helped right now, because my body needs the steroid.
Food still tastes pretty weird. The only things that don’t taste weird are like… Cheeses, noodles, potatoes, pickles and tuna lol. Which makes it kinda difficult to stay nourished, but mom is trying really hard and made me one of my favorites the other night: beef stew (hold the jokes lol) with lots of carrots. That was great 🙂 thanks mom ❤️
I’m driving again which feels really great and I’m just waiting (really impatiently) for my hair to grow back from radiation. That is the biggest source of depression for me; I feel really ugly. Everyone tells me I’m not, and that I’m so strong and brave, but really, look like a boy lol. And I’m doing just what anyone else would do – the prescribed treatments.
I still have those awful stretch marks but I start some supplements this week to re-strengthen and thicken my skin again lol. And consistently losing weight so that should help I think! I’ve lost 20 pounds since I’ve been back in Illinois.
I went on a walk with Brandon today. I normally don’t want to do anything but I had been watching my 600lb. Life and felt motivated; so I think I will keep watching that, because I need to move more. I feel like those people in that show and I are going through similar struggles. The show emphasizes how they ate themselves to this place and I know I didn’t make myself get cancer (if that makes sense) I know it’s not my fault. But I still feel guilty, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed, and don’t want to move and am angry and depressed. So I feel like I can relate with them a lot. Maybe that’s stupid. But it’s encouraging and good motivation for me.
Zech invited Brandon and me over to grandmas house this evening; we visited with grandma some before she went to bed, and Brandon and Zech had some pizza, and we watched a show called “Southlands” — I’ve never heard of it before but it was super good. Very addicting lol. I recommend it! Thanks for having us over grandma and zechie!! ❤️❤️
It’s only 97 days ’til I marry my Prince Charming!!! I am so incredibly blessed to have him by my side, not only through this struggle, but through everything up until now. And I have the beautiful promise that he’ll always stand by me. I’m glad that I get to love Brandon for the rest of my life. Thank you Brandon, I love you ❤️😍❤️😍💋