Day 73: July 27th

Man, oh man it’s getting rough. I’m trying really hard to stay strong, to stay motivated but I find I’m out of steam, out of grit. I wear out after a few minutes of walking or after going up a flight of stairs. I feel like an old woman. 

I’m off the steroid now, so that’s a plus. My face swelling is going down, my acne has mostly cleared up, and I’m no longer gaining weight. My skin is getting stronger again (the steroid and chemo make it weak) so I think all those really painful weird stretch marks are very slowly getting better-ish, and Brandon has been putting a cream on them too, and I’ve ordered two wigs to wear because my self-esteem is at an all time low. I don’t even want to go out in public. I’m so ashamed of how I look, mostly because I’m embarrassed to have cancer. I know that sounds dumb, but I am. And people seeing me bald and struggling is admitting to everyone that I have it. So maybe I’m a little in denial? Idk why I feel embarrassed but I can recognize that I do. 

I find myself wanting to leave Brandon just so he won’t have to deal with this. I want him to be spending his summer with his best friend, Tyler, and with his sister and niece that he misses a lot. I want him to get to work more and be able to buy the things he wants, and not have to worry about and have a wife that needs constant care. 

The house is slowly falling apart. The boys can only do so much. Dad can only do so much. Mom and I can barely do anything. I feel like I’m back sliding…. Even doing yoga with Hardy for a meager five minutes was too much and my quads (or what’s left of them) were shaking and I had to stop because I felt like I would pass out. Things need to be dusted, vacuumed, garbage taken out, toilets scrubbed, cars need oil changes, etc….I can do what I can but it takes me forever… I loaded the dishwasher and ran it this morning, but it took me 30 minutes when it used to take 5-10.

Tension is rising in the house. I’m lazy and weak. The boys can’t be expected to do everything, they’re only 14 and 19, dad is working his butt off and then trying to pick up slack at home, and mom is in so much pain she can hardly stand to move and because she’s in so much pain she is irritable. I have no grit left in me and hearing mom cry from pain, seeing dad constantly working at full speed, is breaking me. I want so badly to give relief and I can’t. I’m the reason they’re struggling so hard, it’s because of me that there are so many more bills, it’s because of me that the house is falling apart, it’s because of me that the boys are expected to pick up slack.

I haven’t eaten for two days because I have this awful taste in my mouth. The doctor warned me that radiation could temporarily change how I taste things… It could take anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months for it to go back to what it was. But as of now, I’m struggling, because I can feel I’m getting weaker, have no energy at all, and am getting dehydrated. But even water is stomach turning. Everything tastes terrible. On top of that the scale says I’m at the same weight. So bully for me 🙃

I’m scheduled to start OT and PT back up week after next. There were some insurance issues and me dealing with depression, I kept cancelling. I see Dr. Monga next week to start up round 2 of chemo: 5 days on, 28 days off. I’ll also get my blood checked. Then I also blew off my appointment with my psychologist this past week, so I have that next week too. I know I need to go, but it’s going to be all tears and suicidal thoughts and I don’t want to face it, though I know I must. 

I don’t even get relief when I sleep. I can’t find a comfortable position to sleep and that bad taste in my mouth infects even my dreams. 

My days currently consist of struggling not to cry, trying to find something to eat, and watching Pretty Little Liars. 

So there ya go, an update. Welcome to my sick world. Your lucky you can close this blog and escape it. God knows I wish I could. 

5 thoughts on “Day 73: July 27th

  1. Karen Massey

    Keep on trying. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t care what other people think. Your family and church family is your supporters. Go see your psychologists. Don’t give up. God will stay with you. Your brothers are old enough and strong enough to do more and help more than you think. You just concentrate on getting better. Your relatives down here in Arkansas loves you. We have you in our prayers all the time. Love you girl. Hang in there.


  2. Teresa fry

    We are here to help and love you. You must be resilient. I know you have that spunk in you Anna. It’s okay to be angry and depressed for a while , but then you must get back up girl. That takes faith and trust. You have a super support system, a family that loves you a lot, and a church family that is a super support system too.
    Go see the psychologist it takes strength to do that, not weakness. I suggest you read psalms 56. Jesus is with you in this journey. Please give it to him, you can call on us to help you. I just don’t want to intrude on your privacy ,we respect that. We can beat this together and community, a support system. Don’t let the depression and isolation win. Love you girl.


  3. Tami

    Alright ladybug – you and I don’t even know one another but I know one thing about you….. you are an inspiration to ALOT of people. You are entitled to every single one of those emotions!!! Now to the fight that is within you….. You can do this!!! All these people that you speak of love you more than life itself I am sure!!! They would do this all over again if they had to – just for you!!! I know people say “pray” “turn it all over to God” “Jesus is with you” and you think “folks, you have no idea what I am going through” and you are 100% correct!!! We don’t but…. we all know about FAITH and TRUST and the power or prayer warriors!!! Honey, you have a lot of prayer warriors and seem to have an amazing support system.

    Stomp, Cry and Get Mad – then Fight!!!!! Faith!!! Trust!!! He is an AWESOME GOD!!

    Also, if you haven’t already, look on Facebook for the Story of US by Lyndsey Taylor. She is battling the ugly “C” word and her faith is amazing. She goes through alot of the same struggles that you are going through and she has had some miracles!! She is an inspiration, as are you!!!

    Hang in there!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



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