So now that radiation is done, and I’m off chemo for a while, I think I’m gunna draw back on blog posts (in case you hadn’t noticed) just because things aren’t changing as quickly from day to day. I want to enjoy as much of each summer day as I can, and you too!
So I haven’t posted for a few days, but I’ve been working on save-the-dates, getting the basement organized, eating healthy (which is pretty easy right now because I can’t taste a lot), and lots of laundry since mom is in the rehab facility. I never realized how much my mom does just day-to-day. She’s a Wonder Woman!
Today I’m getting my head shaved which I’m happy, excited and scared for. I feel like it’s a step to recovery, but I also feel like it’s admitting defeat to radiation in this battle of the war, and I’m just scared I’m gunna look even worse. I’m scared it’ll be like this forever. And I’ll be horribly ugly and fat from the steroid for my wedding. That this cancer has ruined my dream wedding to my Prince Charming.
I’m constantly scared of everything. That my hair will finally start growing back and then we have to start this whole process over again, surgery, chemo…. But since I can’t have radiation ever on my head again, it’ll come back and take me or I’ll have to do infusion chemo (my biggest dread through all of this), and I’ll be stuck in this cancer loop forever… I have this train of thought every day. And it’s clearly dysfunctional because it makes me depressed and unmotivated and really discourages my support group so I’ve got to fight that and push forward that I’m young, and in love, and have God in my corner.
UPDATE: 12:45pm: I got my head shaved and it feels really weird. You can tell where my hair was shaved and where radiation got rid of it, so my scalp just looks dirty 😪 but I’m going to be wearing wraps, and hats, and turbins lol. My scalp is really sensitive, like it feels like prickly – ish? Not in a bad way, but just like… I’ve never felt this skin before lol. It’s kind of freeing to not have to worry about hair, but when i see myself in the mirror I truly want to cry.
My cheeks are so swollen they feel like they’re about to pop. Nathanael pinched my cheeks earlier and was so shocked by how they felt that he gasped and withdrew his hands like he’d been burnt. That just reinforces that it doesn’t look or feel right. I can handle being bald, I really can, I can rock the heck outta some hats, wigs, or wraps… But no amount of makeup or trying can help a chubby and/or ugly face. So I’m stuck until they can get me off this steroid that is helping me overall, but really hurting me psychologically.
Brandon had work really early this morning and I haven’t gotten to see him yet today, and I know that’s affecting my mood. It’s hard for me to not be around him constantly now, even though before it was ok to be apart for even days at a time (long distance at school) but through this situation, I’ve become much more dependent on those around me, especially Brandon. He’s my comfort. And God is too, so when Brandon can’t be with me physically, I lean on God. And When Brandon holds my hand, a calm truly washes over me that I’ve never felt before and God can’t literally hold my hand lol. So I know I’m supposed to want God first, but I won’t lie, that is hard. I typically want him second. I’m not really sure how to work on that?