Day 55: Saturday 

So now that radiation is done, and I’m off chemo for a while, I think I’m gunna draw back on blog posts (in case you hadn’t noticed) just because things aren’t changing as quickly from day to day. I want to enjoy as much of each summer day as I can, and you too!

So I haven’t posted for a few days, but I’ve been working on save-the-dates, getting the basement organized, eating healthy (which is pretty easy right now because I can’t taste a lot), and lots of laundry since mom is in the rehab facility. I never realized how much my mom does just day-to-day. She’s a Wonder Woman! 

Today I’m getting my head shaved which I’m happy, excited and scared for. I feel like it’s a step to recovery, but I also feel like it’s admitting defeat to radiation in this battle of the war, and I’m just scared I’m gunna look even worse. I’m scared it’ll be like this forever. And I’ll be horribly ugly and fat from the steroid for my wedding. That this cancer has ruined my dream wedding to my Prince Charming.

I’m constantly scared of everything. That my hair will finally start growing back and then we have to start this whole process over again, surgery, chemo…. But since I can’t have radiation ever on my head again, it’ll come back and take me or I’ll have to do infusion chemo (my biggest dread through all of this), and I’ll be stuck in this cancer loop forever… I have this train of thought every day. And it’s clearly dysfunctional because it makes me depressed and unmotivated and really discourages my support group so I’ve got to fight that and push forward that I’m young, and in love, and have God in my corner. 

UPDATE: 12:45pm: I got my head shaved and it feels really weird. You can tell where my hair was shaved and where radiation got rid of it, so my scalp just looks dirty 😪 but I’m going to be wearing wraps, and hats, and turbins lol. My scalp is really sensitive, like it feels like prickly – ish? Not in a bad way, but just like… I’ve never felt this skin before lol. It’s kind of freeing to not have to worry about hair, but when i see myself in the mirror I truly want to cry. 

My cheeks are so swollen they feel like they’re about to pop. Nathanael pinched my cheeks earlier and was so shocked by how they felt that he gasped and withdrew his hands like he’d been burnt. That just reinforces that it doesn’t look or feel right. I can handle being bald, I really can, I can rock the heck outta some hats, wigs, or wraps… But no amount of makeup or trying can help a chubby and/or ugly face. So I’m stuck until they can get me off this steroid that is helping me overall, but really hurting me psychologically. 

Brandon had work really early this morning and I haven’t gotten to see him yet today, and I know that’s affecting my mood. It’s hard for me to not be around him constantly now, even though before it was ok to be apart for even days at a time (long distance at school) but through this situation, I’ve become much more dependent on those around me, especially Brandon. He’s my comfort. And God is too, so when Brandon can’t be with me physically, I lean on God. And When Brandon holds my hand, a calm truly washes over me that I’ve never felt before and God can’t literally hold my hand lol. So I know I’m supposed to want God first, but I won’t lie, that is hard. I typically want him second. I’m not really sure how to work on that? 

2 thoughts on “Day 55: Saturday 

  1. Teresa fry

    Hey girl, about that GOD thing, Brandon is a part of God in skin, remember that. That comes with staying in his word and maturing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. At your age I would have felt the same way. Totally different now at 60 though. Stay in the scripture and hear his word daily, whatever it takes to be close to God. You’ll look adorable in those hats and sunglasses and turbans etc. Your face is always pretty. This is only temporary. I miss seeing you yesterday, but boy people have been very generous in all of this. Just try to count your blessings for all of the family and people that are in your corner. Remember we can be like Jesus in skin. You are blessed to have so many sharing that with you. Love you sweetie.

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  2. Sonja Howard

    He grew up in his presence like a young tree, like a root out of dry ground. He had no form or majesty that would make us look at him. He had nothing in his appearance that would make us desire him. ISAIAH 53:2
    Isaiah 53:2New American Standard Bible (NASB)

    2 For He grew up before Him like a tender [a]shoot,
    And like a root out of parched ground;
    He has no stately form or majesty
    That we should look upon Him,
    Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him ( Jesus)

    Beauty is not an outward appearance, it is the inner person lighting up a room. You illuminate your surroundings with your presence and smile. Sow the seeds of good thoughts and it will grow large. Acknowledge the seeds of weedy thoughts and throw them out, don’t let them choke the good ones. In God’s and our eyes you are perfect no matter what, you are His child and that makes you perfect. Outer beauty is for just a wink of a moment, you have the inner beauty that will never fade away. Hold on to it. See what Isaiah said about Jesus and yet he was/is the most loved man who ever walked the earth.

    Making God number one takes a lot of practicing, you get there with time. Brandon is a gift from God to you, eventually you get it in the right order.

    Know that every little , tiny tiny blessing you experience on a daily basis (look for them) , is a reminder from God saying to you, I am still here with you. I am there every step of the way

    Remember the Pacman defense You told me about

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