It seems that evenings are my worst time. Late at night is ok, earlier in the day is ok, morning is ish, but 7-9ish is the hardest – not sure why. That seems to be when the creeping thoughts emerge and depression tries to settle in. I have to try to fight it off and that is exhausting. So I’m not really physically exhausted just mentally and emotionally, which is why I’m so anti-social and aloof.
Today I tried to sleep in, but I’m not sleeping well. Like I’m sleeping long enough technically, but I can feel it’s not restful. I think it’s also difficult for me to get to the right level of relaxation because I can’t suck my pinky. Yes, judge me. I’ve sucked my pinky finger my entire life, but since being in the hospital and my face being numb, it feels too weird.
You may be thinking that’s it’s a good thing that that habit is relatively broken, and maybe you’re right, but it’s affecting my sleep and relaxation and it’s a self-soothing exercise I’ve done forever. Let’s get this out there: I’m so past being ashamed of it hsha. I was all growing up and mortified when I let it be known to Brandon, but I’m past that. It’s me. Lol When my face isn’t numb anymore, I’m sure I’ll revert back lol. But Brandon has told me he wishes I could do I now because he can tell it’s something that calms me and would help me when I start getting too in my head and upset.
Today was all laundry stuff and Brandon setting me up on WoW. Yeah, you read that right; I went and saw the World of Warcraft movie with Brandon and Zech last weekend and really liked it, and I know Brandon likes it, and it intrigued me enough i thought I’d give it a try. I can’t play effectively right now because of my arm having tremors from the steroid (it’s much better when I’m not on such a high dose of steroid). But Brandon can help me learn generals because it is an involved game, and I like getting to bond with Brandon over something he likes and that can distract me from the icky thoughts in me.
The boys and I were supposed to go see mom in the rehab facility today, but since Nathanael and I can’t drive, dad was at work as well as Brandon, it was supposed to be Hardy who took us… Well good luck trying to get him to do anything he doesn’t want to lol. So I went with dad after he got off work to see mom. And Brandon, grandma and I will go tomorrow. Mom seemed in much better spirits this evening, just more ‘zen’ and less anxious. I am thankful and glad for that for her. She’s still needing to get back into moving more, but they’re doing a fair amount of motivating with her, and it’s clear mom is determined to not sit still lol. She wants to recover. I am proud of my mom and her determination and I’m so thankful were both away from Iowa City for a while. I could have both of us never go back and be completely ok with that lol, wouldn’t miss a single thing if it was wiped off the map. I digress. Lol
Other than that, it was just a calm, get things done, avoid and ignore insidious thoughts, rest day.
Brandon just got home, and I’m really tired. So I’m gunna turn in for tonight. Please just pray for my mom for speedy recovery and endurance and pray for me as I can feel my attitude slipping and becoming bitter. I can feel the depression spider at my edges trying to creep in. Pray that God give me the strength to keep it at bay. It’s a struggle minute by minute… Anyways, thanks for reading and praying ! goodnight