Day 49: God’s Day, and the weekend is almost over

Today I’ll finally be back in church and I sure need it. I’m embarrassed to go because everything makes me cry and I don’t want people to come over and pat me on the back or anything because that makes it worse. I’d rather people just ignore it. But I understand the desire to comfort and show compassion so I shouldn’t get annoyed. 

UPDATE 9am: I don’t think I’m going to be going to church this morning – I’m feeling really sick. My vision is icky and I feel really nauseous.

The whole point of Sunday morning worship is to worship. It is not about me, it is about Him. We often forget that fact. It doesn’t matter how I feel, or how I think, but what God has commanded me to do. And I have many things to worship him for. I pray that I can keep that at the forefront of my mind. Maybe I’m completely wrong.

 1Corinthians 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.”

I don’t want to seem haughty or anything in like ‘quoting Scripture’ and seeming ‘holier than thou’ . I don’t want to appear a fraud. I’m completely open. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to push my faith on anyone or make it appear I have so much knowledge or anything. That being said, this is my blog so  I’ll say what I want lol. I have been raised in a very faithful family, went to a private Christian school, and attended Harding University. So, …. 

I won’t deny my faith by any means, I just want to clarify my motives and everything, even though I know I dont have to. Does that make any sense? My faith is between myself and God. We have a relationship all our own. But i don’t want people to think I’m faking it.Maybe That is vanity? I need to ask someone about these things. 

As you’ve read before, I see Brandon as truly my biggest blessing from God. Brandon gives me a feeling of such comfort that washes over me when I’m hurting, scared, or anything that nothing else can compare to. God gives comfort in different ways to different people, but I believe He gives me comfort through Brandon. Even when we first started dating, through engagement, and now.

Because of this belief and the comfort Brandon provides, I don’t like to be away from him for very long. Not now. While dating and engagement, we really only saw each other on the weekends or long weekends, because of my schooling and his work. 

So I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a needy girl. In fact, i enjoy my space and time spent alone. That being said, in my current situation (I don’t like saying the word) I don’t like to be left alone or not have tv on in the background. I need a distraction. I just want one other person around. Brandon, dad, mom, Hardy, Jeanie, Nathanael…. No one else I really feel okay falling apart in from of. 

This post seems very all over the place and confused. I seem very all over the place and confused. I guess these posts really do reflect how I am currently because they babble and meander as I do….  I wake up each morning in a dazed horror as i realize that this isn’t just a nightmare but reality. same thing this morning, it’s like a shock when I wake up, this isn’t just a bad dream. This is happening and I can’t escape it. I feel caught firmly in death’s grip. 

This next week should be better as things slow down. Mom will be discharged Tuesday, she’ll be in a rehab facility and that should help her. I’ll be done with radiation and can try to pick up life again without daily appointments. It’ll change from daily appointments to monthly appointments. I’ll be going to OT to help me get my hand back to coordination. 

Please pray that this all goes away, that I can be healthy again. Please. 

3 thoughts on “Day 49: God’s Day, and the weekend is almost over

  1. amy

    You blog is a fresh look into the reality of life for a beautiful vibrant young woman who has had her world turned upside down. I really like what you said about your relationship with God. I feel that way about everyone. A persons relationship with God is their own and is not to be judged by ANYONE. This world would be a much better place if there was a lot less judging done by those who have not been given that right. But I digress, comment is turning into a blog. I love you and if you need anything just ask. To talk, to cry, to pray, to forget, to face it or literally anything else just know I am here 24/7. I know you get tired of people asking you how you feel constantly so I will leave it in your hands. When you need me just reach out and you will find me.
    Your wonderful M.I.L.
    (wink, wink)

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  2. Sonja

    Oh how I can sympathize with the agony of being reminded by others, who truly care, who are really concerned and who do not mean any harm, that presently the walk through life’s dessert is not a good time to be patted on the back for encouragement. As those loving and kind gestures multiply the hurt and pain, given that emotional wounds, which heal very slowly, are constantly torn open again.
    Your trust in God is a great inspiration to me and so many others. If you find the courage to attend the Worship Service just let it be known that if we surround you with love to only talk about general subjects. Or that you are worn out and tired and constant conversations are wearing you out more.
    You said it so eloquently you are there to worship God, it is about him.
    Know that there is no shame in falling apart in front of anybody that cares; God’s family will understand, because God gave us the command to be there for each other in love. I pray that God will send a few fellow Christians, to your inner circle, in which you can trust and in whose presence you can be yourself. They could be additional support to you and your family.
    Thank you for your blog it allows us to walk with you daily and encourages us to pray more fervently and plead with God for your healing. Also it prompts me to thank God daily for even the smallest blessings he grants me. Wish I could hug, hold and rock you, as you bring out the motherly instinct in me. Since that is not possible I am hugging you long distance.
    Call if you need someone, even if you need me to be silently sitting with you, (that would be hard but I could try).

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  3. Anonymous

    You amaze me with your faith and wisdom !! Your courage in the face of this illness is an inspiration to me!! I’m praying for your recovery to the life you are yearning for!!God has promised eternal life to all his children who have been faithful and that is our hope to hold on to in this life!! XO prayers and love your sister in Christ!! Sue

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