This could arguably the worst weekend of my life. I have never felt suffering like this before and hope to never again. I’ve never felt anxiety, stress, or fear like this. Never. It is Crumbling and crushing agony.
Mom will not be discharged until Tuesday as it is a long weekend. Dad is up with mom there and from everything dad has relayed to me, mom is improving greatly. On a scale 1-10, she is only describing her pain at a 3. I don’t want to raise hopes too high, as it will most likely be a back and forth thing for a while, but this is such a great thing. They no longer have her on the medicine that was making her so loopy and she apparently is doing very well in that sense.
I am so relieved as I type this that I am crying. Never in my life have I cried from pure relief, but now is that time.
I was having some worrisome symptoms earlier: nausea this morning, weird vision, and my head was hurting, along with my face swelling a lot and my incision was kind of throbbing. Brandon, Jeanie and I were watching a movie earlier and I got so tired I moved to the EZ chair and literally fell asleep minutes after. As in my dad texted me 5 times and I could dreamily feel that my phone was in my hand and had vibrated but I could not open my eyes. When I finally woke up a few hours later, I had the good update about mom and could hear the lift in dads voice, the boys had headed to Iowa city to give dad a little break, and wonderful Pat Adams from our church family had brought over some delicious food. I feel much better and don’t seem to have any of those symptoms really. But let me tell you, I really worried Brandon. I worried myself too, really with the vision thing. But I think I’ve been so worried and upset and tired this past week that I’m exhausted and at my wits (of sorts) end and that has been causing these symptoms. Because those symptoms are typical of stress, but they’re also symptoms I had with my tumor so Brandon and I were very worried.
Waking up and feeling nothing, okay has never been such a relief, and then all the other good news was a relief I didn’t know I could feel. Truly it felt like a “victory in Jesus”! It’s a relief and a tease.
I keep randomly having crying outbursts and breakdowns from relief, worry, and fear. I imagine this is his how my life will be for the foreseeable future. Future? What does that even mean? I have to push that awful thought away. Again, I’m feeling trapped on my island. I can’t handle ‘staying in the now’ at this point, but to say ‘tomorrow will be better’ is a sick thought riddled with fear.
The bible says not to worry about tomorrow because it has its own worries, but that is a difficult thing.
I realize that I’ve almost teased myself with the thought of this small joy that has made me feel so relieved, would be exponentially better if I could just be healed, if I could just not have cancer. That feels so selfish to want that, to crave it.
Dear Lord, if I am wrong for wanting, petitioning or praying for this, pay me no mind, but Lord, heal me. Let mehave years with my husband, my family. Use my life not my death for your glory. Please please please I beg of You.