Day 47: the end of the bad week

My dad and mom have always told me to 

Not wish my life away

And one would think given my current situation, that I would do just that. I’d work on living in the moment, enjoying each day for what it is, and to a certain extent I do. But I dont think I’m wishing my time away per se. 

Let me explain: I have always been one to look to the future, plan ahead, plan, schedule, plan some more, and that is something I love. I love structure. But, while I’m not “wishing my life away” in fact, I want to live more than absolutely anything, my Christian Chronicle interview was perfectly titled ‘I want years’….. I find myself going from distraction to distraction, on cruise control, tired. I suppose this is one of the ways cancer changes you. I don’t really want, desire anything but for this to go away, for the symptoms to stop, for God to take it away. But to actively do anything, nope. I just want things done, and there is a huge difference in that. 

I want this fight to be fought for me. I cannot do that. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

 I find myself reciting that in my head, obsessively. I guess if im going to be obsessive regarding anything, it should be that. 

I pray to God constantly that He give me patience, that He take this from me, that He give me strength, all these great and precious gifts, when I should know by now that God typically doesn’t just hand those qualities and blessings out, but rather gives a situation in which to acquire it. This is that situation for me, or at least, that is how I see it. Now maybe I’m all messed up doctrine-wise, so if it sounds like I’m misconstruing please correct me or come speak to me about it. 

I’m not enjoying life right now, I’m in the middle of the hardest thing I’ve ever been faced with, no I’m not enjoying,I’m enduring my life right now. I’d give away everything I have if it would take this cancer away. 

That’s enough depression leaking before bed. Night!

4 thoughts on “Day 47: the end of the bad week

  1. Lance

    Annemarie, your understanding is spot on..I always wished God would ‘just hand those thing out’ (after all, He knows my email address, my phone number, my address no my Amazon Prime account. He could just send it to me!) But instead he uses situations to teach us those things. Your honesty is refreshing and a great reminder of all of our daily struggle with faith. God is using you even now!


  2. Genknee Jirk Reeakchon

    “God typically doesn’t just hand those qualities and blessings out, but rather gives a situation in which to acquire it.”..This has taken me nearly all my life to learn. I know you’re tired. I wish I could take this from you. I pray for you constantly and think of you all the time. Love you – Jen


  3. Karen Grisham Massey

    Hang in there girl. You can do this. You and your family has our prayers everyday. Love you Karen and Doug



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