My dad and mom have always told me to
Not wish my life away
And one would think given my current situation, that I would do just that. I’d work on living in the moment, enjoying each day for what it is, and to a certain extent I do. But I dont think I’m wishing my time away per se.
Let me explain: I have always been one to look to the future, plan ahead, plan, schedule, plan some more, and that is something I love. I love structure. But, while I’m not “wishing my life away” in fact, I want to live more than absolutely anything, my Christian Chronicle interview was perfectly titled ‘I want years’….. I find myself going from distraction to distraction, on cruise control, tired. I suppose this is one of the ways cancer changes you. I don’t really want, desire anything but for this to go away, for the symptoms to stop, for God to take it away. But to actively do anything, nope. I just want things done, and there is a huge difference in that.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
I find myself reciting that in my head, obsessively. I guess if im going to be obsessive regarding anything, it should be that.
I pray to God constantly that He give me patience, that He take this from me, that He give me strength, all these great and precious gifts, when I should know by now that God typically doesn’t just hand those qualities and blessings out, but rather gives a situation in which to acquire it. This is that situation for me, or at least, that is how I see it. Now maybe I’m all messed up doctrine-wise, so if it sounds like I’m misconstruing please correct me or come speak to me about it.
I’m not enjoying life right now, I’m in the middle of the hardest thing I’ve ever been faced with, no I’m not enjoying,I’m enduring my life right now. I’d give away everything I have if it would take this cancer away.
That’s enough depression leaking before bed. Night!