So today marks my 4th to last radiation and the day before Jeanie gets here. Mom is still in recovery and they haven’t given us a set date for her discharge. I got to see her yesterday and I’m going to see her again today.
I’m just so proud of her and know Omi & Opa are too, it’s like I could feel it when I saw her today. She was glowing with that German-born strength and grit right through the pain. Let’s all just keep praying for quick healing and relief from her pain.
Yesterday I “called-in” to PT and OT because I’ve just been feeling exhausted and drained. I’m running on very little sleep and, cmon, we should all know by now how much Annemarie needs a good 9-12 hours a night. 💤💤💤🤕🤒😠😱
I also saw Dr. Monga for a check up – I see him every 2 weeks and I’m about to only have to see him every month (small victory; he’s an amazing doctor, I just hate what he represents to me – cancer, so seeing him or Dr. Smith makes me uncomfortable lol; its me, not them!) the day I stop radiation is the day I stop taking chemo for a month and then I start again monthly, so I won’t have to do blood draws except once a month! Yet another small victory!
While speaking with Doctor Monga, we discussed the steroid and how it’s affected my weight and everything, unfortunately, he said that it is usually a very slow process, that coupled with the fact that I can’t work out hard because I’m completely lacking in endurance and stamina, and have lost a lot of my muscle from being in the hospital, means it will mostly mean diet. I’m fighting a dumb uphill battle…. On a slip and slide 😑
But you know what, praise God I’m alive! I will do this, I am doing this, even though its is miserable!! I’m going to walk and do strengthening yoga as much as I can (moderately) and not binge eat when I feel sad, weak, ugly.
We also discussed how the medicine I use to help me sleep right now (my brain is way too alert even though I’m physically exhausted) could interact negatively with one of the other medicines I’m on, so I just went ahead and decided to stop the sleeping one and will just do Benadryl. They do the same thing for me and Benadryl doesn’t possibly give me a heart attack. Yay Benadryl! lol
I’ve pretty well decided to just shave my head because I want it to all grow in again evenly, and this seems the best way. After I shave it, it will take a few weeks to a month for it to start to re-grow and then once I get about 1-2″ of regrowth I can have extensions put in, which is what I want to do to make sure my hair looks perfect for holiday time and the wedding of 2016: mine! Nothing is going to mess this wedding up, not even stupid cancer.
So we’re looking at me being Ms. Baldy for about a month or 2. I can handle that. I’m going to feel ashamed and embarrassed and not really like me, but I don’t really feel like me that much anyways, and those type of emotions aren’t really helpful to me in this fight. Plus I know it’s odd for people to see a bald girl my age, but I’m assuming people have enough deductive reasoning to put 2 and 2 together lol.
I can feel my right arm and hand getting better, even though it’s slow. It’s going to take a long time before I can sketch or write properly, but I can type again very slowly and I can navigate the mouse slowly. And that progress means a lot to me. I was a Lab Supervisor at Harding and it was the best job imaginable. But I had to be quick and capable on a computer, it hurts me to know I wouldn’t be good at my job right now, I’d be hurting my job😔
Progress is great and I’m thankful to God for everything he gives me. The ability to keep trying, situations to push me even when I don’t want to be pushed. My favorite Christian song is, “From the Inside Out”. And that songs message is what I truly feel that this is happening with me. That song brings me to tears. And I’ve prayed that I change while singing it, and while I don’t think God caused my cancer, I know he can use it for good and for his glory.