Day 44: the island (part 1) 

How many of you have watched the show Lost? Anyone who answered no, should stop reading now and get started. I just did you a huge favor in life lol. 

Have you ever noticed that I seem to title my entries as a day log like I’m on an island? I just noticed that, but I think I did it so I really could look back on it in the same way. Such as Getting the facts down if I need to reference it with a doctor or something but also a way to reason with myself and work through the weird stuff in my head. 

I feel like I’m stranded on an island. you’re fighting now, not to get to Friday, but to make it through the day. On an island it’s much more physical, but here with this, it’s a mental battle and emotional exhaustion. These islands are so similar…. You truly don’t and can’t say if you’ll make it out alive, but you have to keep trying, even though you feel like sitting down in the sand and sun and giving up. And while you’re mulling over the same thoughts for the billionth time, you’re praying, again, that some miracle happen and this has all just been a terrible nightmare that you can discuss in Therapy. You try to reason with yourself that science and technology are on your side, and that they’ll find you soon, they will be able to save me from this cancer, and then you think about statistics and reality and time and how you feel almost dead inside anyways and there’s a spider creeping up your back, and you freak out and start the whoooole thought process over. If I wasn’t depressed or OCD before this, I am now.

Today I was supposed to have PT and OT but I called to say I won’t be making it in today because I am not feeling well. I’m so emotionally exhausted and physically tired, I just don’t want to go today. I go again Thursday and Brandon and I are going to work on some therapy stuff here. I’ve got radiation and two other appointments with doctors today and those are going to exhaust me further. I am not someone who does well without 9 solid hours of sleep, and I’m running on about 6, so I’m headed back to bed, but here’s the link to my interview with the Christian Chronicle:  http://www.christianchronicle.org/article/i-just-want-years

You should read it and share it for me:)

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