Day 43: Mama’s Surgery

You may know that today was mom’s surgery. This is coming from my dad at 6:30pm, so if you speak to him after this or directly take what he says over me!!!

 She’s finally out of surgery, she’s ok and stable, she’s not in ICU, she’s in a normal room, she’s in a lot of pain, has thrown up once, but it’s a reaction to her coming down from the anesthesia. They’re figuring out how to Manage her pain, she’s got a whole pain management team. Daddy is with her. And dad is very tired.

So, I’ve updated you on mom and dad, Brandon is at work until close tonight, the boys are out on a mowing job, the puppies are clearly anxious and confused as to why mom isn’t here (she’s their favorite) and I’m home alone watching Netflix. I’d love to say I feel relieved and in some ways I do, but I feel lonely and I want Brandon here. 

I can tell I’m feeling upset somehow because I’m wanting cheesecake, and doughnuts, and Diet Coke, and gravy and cake. These are my addiction foods and when I’m feeling overwhelmed they are my go to. 

I like that I’m having time by myself today, right now, and at the same time I feel too alone with my own headspace. I can feel depression creeping down my back like a creeping little spider, literally making my skin crawl from the icky thoughts that it brings. In a trigger warning way, I feel really tempted to self-harm (something I’ve struggled with in the past) but I know I shouldn’t, I know that, I’m alone, and logically because I’m on chemo pills that make it harder for my blood to coagulate and no one home here, I might as well just save sometime and kill myself lol. Don’t worry, I’m not going to!!!! Just thinking logically, that is what would happen. I’m tempted but I know I can’t, that would hurt Brandon and I won’t do that. 

Like, i would be shopping with my friends right now if I could, my hair would be so healthy and long and blonde right now, my skin would be so tan and without all these stretchmarks, I’d be graduated and working my dream job at Allsteel, coming home to my perfect husband and fur-babies, I’d be helping improve my parents house so that it was better for them, using my ID degree to help them first, I’d be applying to Cornell’s DEA program for January 2017, I’d be so much further ahead in wedding planning, I’d be working out harder for the wedding, and re-reading my annual summer reading list and going to Genesius Guild productions… my life was supposed to be so different and it’s not what I want it to be right now. I keep thinking that hopefully, God-willing, next summer will be more like what I was hoping.

Pray for my mom and my family please. 

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