Preface: as with other posts,this post has photos of some things I find relevant to conveying what I’m saying in the post, but this one also includes some images I find funny, or my obsession with kitsch…. Like 50’s -70’s Christmas. I love the 50’s -70’s but it’s best at Christmas.
Typically I don’t notice my own deficits so much, but today it’s been staring me in the face. Almost willing me to challenge it.
At the movie theatre, I struggle to go up the stairs that have an extended run (designer knowledge: on stairs, how ‘tall’ each stair is is called the rise and the ‘length’ is called the run) and going down them as well. My arm and hand seem much less shaky than last time I was at the movies (because my steroid has been tapered I believe), but the stair thing is really discouraging because i used to fly up and down those things with such ease that it’s frustrating and disheartening to have to concentrate and use the railing.
But I have such an amazing God who has blessed me with many things including: pretty solid confidence and an amazing husband who loves me. So people looking at me weird doesn’t bother me lol and Brandon walks the stairs slower and holds the railing too so I don’t feel alone in it. His thoughtfulness and love are so deep…. I don’t have to worry about him straying or leaving me even though, in this situation, he’s totally justified in it (to me at least). That alone brings me to tears. I’m so blessed that God has let me know a love so incredibly deep; to think that God loves me more than that, to try to comprehend a love deeper and bigger than that literally makes me bawl and I can’t fathom it.
The hair thing really hasn’t bothered me and doesn’t bother me in the short term but I really want my hair to be perfect for my husband and for my wedding. For it to be the way I want for the wedding I need to be able to do a hair trial, which should be happening in about a month or so then…
I really don’t like this. It’s so difficult to plan anything. God has control, but it bothers me lol. I like planning. And I’m ok with not being the prettiest, thinnest, or having the best of anything, I just want to be back to my normal. Normal Annemarie hair, normal Annemarie with normal breakouts, normal Annemarie skin that doesn’t have stretch marks all over. I’m whiny right now I guess.
I’m alive and not in pain and I’ve got today with my husband, so I can’t complain. I’m in love and happy. I just have to stay here. I have to stay in now. Because trying to plan far the future right now is not only depressing and upsetting, it’s literally impossible.
I can plan up until my wedding, and that’s as far as I can do right now. The wedding and Christmas time are my things right now. They are what I look forward to, they are what I think about when I get sad, they are what I keep myself busy with.