It’s June 28th! Sunday! I didn’t go to morning church today because I was feeling too tired and don’t like going without Brandon, who is working today. He works until 4. We’ll go to evening church, but I know I shouldn’t use him as an excuse to not go to morning church just because I’m not social. Through this experience, I’m withdrawing, which I don’t think is a good thing, but it just is. I don’t dislike people or anything, I just don’t want to be around people very much. I find myself wanting to be alone or only with 1 or 2 people.
Today I’ve been eating healthy and working on organizing Brandon’s and my area… I think it’s coming along nicely, albeit slowly because I am not allowed to lift over 10 pounds. And it really bothers me to have to ask Brandon to do everything, and I know that has to be a lot on him as well with everything else.
Y’all know Brandon’s parents came up for Father’s Day? Well his mama took my engagement / wedding ring with her back to Arkansas so we could get the set all soldered together and resized (bc my ring doesn’t fit with all the fluid I’m holding). I know in the grand scheme of things, me getting to wear my wedding ring isn’t that big a deal, but I cannot wait to have it back on my finger. I’ve worn that ring everyday for over a year and I still find myself randomly panicking when I can’t feel it on my finger… I like the symbol and I just miss my ring. I think I’ll get it back when we go to Arkansas July 18th for my appointment with Dr. Krisht.
Tomorrow mama has her surgery. She’s really scared. I know dad is scared. I’m scared because I know they’re scared. The boys are aloof as always lol. It’s going to be a long surgery and because of the way mom metabolizes pain medication, hardly any pain medications work on her. I hate that for her. And just like infusion chemo is my biggest dread, conscious intubation is my mother’s. She won’t know until tomorrow morning if they will be doing that, and that is adding to her worry. Dear Lord, give my mom and dad peace over this, give them strength through this.
Mom and dad are leaving to go up to Iowa city tonight because her report time tomorrow is so early and it’s a fairly long drive (1 1/2 hours). So I won’t see mom right before or after her surgery…. I don’t like that. If I didn’t have this dumb cancer then I could drive myself (I love driving, the longer the better) and stay there as long as needed and do more to help. I wouldn’t have all these appointments
At any rate, I can only do what I can do right now. Tuesday, Brandon and I will get to see mom finally, and I have a poop-ton of appointments. I’ve got physical therapy, occupational therapy, radiation, labs, Meeting with Dr. Monga, and meeting with Dr. Nisely (which ironically enough, my iPhone autocorrects “Nisely” to “misery” hahahaha).
Tuesday is going to stink because of all that, and I just want to get to hang out with my mom and watch cruddy hospital tv. Additionally, I’m made anxious that dad is leaving mom’s side to come to my appointments with the doctors from 1-3:30. It’s a relatively short amount of time, but speaking from experience, it feels longer when it’s your partner missing.
When I re-read this, this post sounds so negative:/ I don’t want people reading to worry or think I’m sliding emotionally into something bad. I would be lying if I said everything was completely fine, because it’s obviously not, but this blog, especially this post, is where I vent, open freely about the little thoughts that run through my head.
Please pray for mom with her surgery, for dad with moms surgery, for myself with this dumb cancer, and for Jeanie flying in Thursday. Pray thanks for all the same things. It’s wonderful that we have technology and science that have made this surgery possible, my treatment possible, and for friends to be able to see you in just a few hours. Thank you Lord for everything you give us.