Day 35: Sunday, and Resting, Power and Control

Oh my gosh everyone, yesterday was ah-maz-ing! Trevor, Amy, Brandon and myself went to Disc Replay and traded in some old video games of Brandon’s, and Amy found 3 of her favorite movies for basically no moneys…. (Side note: disc replay is a really good and cheap place to buy and sell movies, video games, books, etc.) and I got the book, “Football For Dummies” for 2$! I hadn’t bought it previously because Amazon charges 15-20$ for it and I couldn’t justify it lol. But 2$ so I can better understand something my husband loves so much? I can do that. Lol

Then we ran a couple more errands and headed home to begin ‘The Feast’ as I like to call it. Trevor fired up the grill and I fired up the oven and let me cut this a little short, but we had so much delicious food, it was like a Thanksgiving-type feast lol. I’m thankful to God for the opportunity and blessing to enjoy such great meals, when there are people who can’t. I’m thankful for those meals with people who love / care about me and who I love / care about. Thank you, Lord!

Today Amy and Trevor head back to Arkansas, boo ūüė¶   So please pray for safe travels for them! And Brandon works from 8am-1pm, opens, DG today. Daddy and the boys will be going to church this morning, while mama and I stay home. 

I’m staying home from church this morning for a couple reasons: 1. I am super exhausted. Yesterday was a big day and I only slept six hours the night before. 2. just naturally, Sunday morning church has more people, and as chemo continues, my immune system is further compromised, and I’m just paranoid someone I don’t know is sick will pat me on the back or hug me or something sweet and unintentional and make me sick :/ 3. Being around so many people exhausts me, emotionally and mentally, very quickly. 

(Let me add a PREFACE here that this post is all over the place and scatterbrained, poorly written and super long.) 

All this being said, I still need to, fellowship with fellow believers as is commanded of me, and take the Lords Supper. I plan to attend evening church tonight with Brandon, because he’ll be off work and it will be a little thinner crowd then. 

Church just makes me feel good… It makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Not like checking it off my to-do list or something but God tells us to go and worship him, and this is how I obey that. I feel like that is something I can do that brings me closer to God, someone I’m relying on very heavily at this point in my life. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, but that is how I feel about it currently. I’m not a theologian, let’s let that be known lol.

Power and control… 2 things I love. I like to be the boss, I like to be in charge. This whole change in my life is forcing me to learn that I really have no power or control in an overall sense. This is both a jarring and relieving revelation. At the beginning of this ‘cancer experience’ I won’t lie to you, I was scared, furious at God, and an emotional wreck, with constant break downs and outbursts, etc. 

and I’m not ashamed of that. …..when you know the plans for the next few months that you’ve so carefully planned: you’re about to graduate from undergrad, trying to apply for graduate school, and you’ve been offered your dream job, all while getting to have an amazing summer with your fianc√© and family and then it all crumbles, well frankly, that sucks.

Then I started thinking scarier and deeper, less petulantly, and more fearfully about the future. Questions like, “will I get years and anniversaries with my husband and is it fair to even marry him if I know I’ll widow him?”, “will I ever get to have a child?”, and morbidly enough, “how do I want to have my body taken care of after I pass?”. Yes in the hospital, immediately after my diagnosis of GBM, I had given up. I thought and felt that they had just given me 15 months to live and figure out my affairs. 

These are all things I’m okay with that I’ve thought or have happened, this is part of my personal experience with cancer and how I’m dealing with it. I wouldn’t change it. I’ve told Brandon so many times that I want to try to experience a little of everything, I’ll try anything once… I’m experiencing something no one ever wants to, and while I’m not going to say I’m thankful for cancer, I’m thankful for the mental and emotional, spiritual and logical, processes / experiences I’m going through while dealing with it.

The blessings and learning and growing I see in myself and those around me through this is a gift I can never exchange. The hard and terrifying questions I had before are still there and they’re still daunting, but you know what? I can’t answer them. I don’t know. I have not power or control over this situation. All I can do is control my response. And that’s where I am right now. It’s not easy. It is crazy-difficult everyday to not dwell on those thoughts, but all they do is upset me, and that’s not helpful in anyway to this experience for me, so I move to new thoughts. And there-in lies my coping mechanism for now lol. 

There’s a sort of relief in knowing God has it in His hands and not mine. I pray each night that He change the plan slightly and take this from me, a prayer of petition I say, so you can see I am still struggling to relinquish control I don’t have to begin with lol. But it’s kind of nice to not be in charge here. So there’s today’s peak into my mind, hope ya enjoy it and don’t get too confused. I love reading your comments and messages you leave me on messenger and texts. Thank you!

God’s got this and I’m along for the ride.

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