Monthly Archives: May 2016

Day 11: cross country cancer 

Up until yesterday, everything about this has been sudden and quick. Quick onset of yucky symptoms. Quickly put in hospital, quickly taken to surgery, quickly released and starting treatment, but yesterday it hit me….. This is not a sprint, this is cross country -this is a distance thing lol.

I’ve been expecting everything to happen quickly… Even if it is bad, because that’s just how it’s been until now, but the thing with cancer is that it’s a long distance run and let me tell you something, I’m slow and fat, but dammit, I’ve run cross country and I’m beating this stupid thing lol.

I don’t like that now it feels like a distance. I don’t know why I thought everything was going to go so quickly but I want everything to happen quickly. This is where I have to pray for patience and understanding. 

UPDATE: still waiting on test results, so these last couple days, please pray haaaaard for two positives. No radiation issues, maybe a little tenderness, but it comes and goes and I honestly appreciate it because it lets me know something is happening back there lol. 

My old youth minister, Rob Fraser, set up an interview of me with Christian Chronicle and I’m doing it through email. But to be completely honest, I appreciate the opportunity to share my story, but I don’t know how relevant it is to people? I’m not a warrior of faith or anything or I don’t feel like it. I’m truly doing what anyone in this situation would do – treatments. I feel like if I’m going to be in this big thing, it should be more applicable to a wider audience. But I digress and am ever-thankful to get to share, because if you know me, I love to talk and talk and talk lol. 

The big wedding in December is still happening, that is the big thing. We are still having it and I’m still really excited. Just wanted to let people know so they would stop asking me lol. 

Please pray for my family, my husband and my dear friend Taylor who is still in the hospital with a serious condition. Pray for me to have patience and positive test results and to keep peaceful about this, because this long road, suddenly came into view and I don’t want to run it. I’m going to, but I don’t want to! All glory to God right? 

I still have tons to be thankful for: i have my sight- I can see beautiful colors, I have my hearing – I can hear birds and music and my parents voices, I have mobility – I can move by myself. So many people don’t have these luxuries or have lost them, and I’m just so thankful I haven’t lost those things. Praise God! 

I live today for God and hope I can bring glory and honor to him today. I love each one of my supporters. Thank you! #gbm

Day 10: a day thinking about statistics 

I did something very dumb while I was still in the hospital… I looked up the survival statistics for what I have…. DUMB. So to try to re- rout myself and my stinky thinkin’ I’m going to go on my soap box for a bit. Give me a few minutes here lol…

I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and narcotics user (20+ years) and I couldn’t be more proud of that fact. But based on that stat, at some point in my life, I’m likely to go out on a bender…. Everyone, I’ve tried alcohol and weed before (maybe in high school, not while at Harding) and truly, alcohol is not my thing. Weed is great but my neurosurgeon told me that new  research is showing a link between marijuana use and aneurysms in younger people. Now, when you’ve got a neurosurgeon as prestigious as I do, you listen, and if you don’t, you’re an idiot lol. 

Secondly, 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted by the time they’re 25. I’ve been the victim of date rape by an ex-boyfriend that I swear was taking anabolic steroids. He was a big bald creep. And you shoulda seen what I looked like afterwards – a giant freaking bruise. Lol but I’m still here and I haven’t committed suicide or anything. That is not to say I minimize this problem or haven’t struggled with those suicidal thoughts. I’m saying, you can overcome it with the right people around. And I have to give all glory to God for me getting past that. 

Thirdly, I am a double major at Harding University in interior design and psychology, something that hasn’t been done there before and there is no one else doing that currently.

Lastly, I got married at 22 to my soulmate which greatly increases my risk of divorce except that, that research doesn’t know me or Brandon and doesn’t know our relationship, or that’s he’s stood by me dutifully through all of these horrible things. If I make it through cancer with him, there is not a single thing we can’t make it through with God. 

 I am unique. My mind is unique. While I have brain cancer, I am still me and there is not a statistic that can label me and tell me how long I’ve got. That is such a hard thing to try to get past. I want as much time as possible. I want to have kids. I want to see my niece, Emma Niccole Knight, grow up. I want to see my brothers get married and have babies. I want to go to packers games with my husband in Wisconsin and come home to a house I’ve designed. 

All I can do is pray that God lets me have these things, and take care of me and my loved ones. Please continue praying. #gbm

Day 9

Radiation 6 today! Went well, quickly, no pain or anything – in and out. Hardy took me and we got some sweet tea afterwards. Mmm!

We got home around 3:30 and Nathanael was home and he had his finals today, and he has some tomorrow. He got an A on biology which he was worried about and I’m really proud of him. 

Mom and I went on a little walk with Luke to help me practice some physical therapy. It was hot and humid and good to be out. 

Now, Brandon is at work until 10:30 tonight and he worked a lot around the house today  and I wait up for him to come home tonight. Tonight, just praying and dinner and television.

I made a team sign up thing today, for A Head For the Cure, in Chicago, July 23rd. I’ve already signed up and will be going. If you’re interested, text me, email me or call me: or 309-236-0961. I just want to do something. I can’t keep sitting around thinking about what might happen; I’m driving myself crazy. So instead I plan wedding stuff, think of wedding stuff, and think of things I can do to raise awareness for this thing I had no idea about.

You never expect the thing you’ve been studying passionately for 5 years, to start self-destructing. But that’s what’s happened here. Maybe my calling after this, if I make it through this, is to help counsel those with this same thing or something along those lines? I’m not sure.

Also, please be praying for my dear friend, Taylor Tidwell, who is in the hospital for a serious condition. She is a wonderful woman of God and is my best guy friend’s girlfriend. This is a huge struggle. Pray hard for her. 

Please continue praying. #gbm   

Day 8

It’s a new week….Hardy took me to radiation today. I got there a little early and they got me in early, so it was done pretty quickly then we drove back, picked up Brandon, and got some ice cream from Shivers & Shakes. Lol yum

Today I feel pretty hopeful and okay, more normal-ish in myself. I don’t want to be constantly wanting days to pass quickly but that’s how I feel right now… I want to get through this and get my normal back. Normal driving, normal dinner dates with Brandon, etc. 

so today was my 5th (I believe) radiation, and around the 15th-20th radiation, I’ll have an MRI that will be compared with the MRI done before radiation to see if there is any regrowth and how effective treatment is being. That being said, today I let both of my doctors know that all news- prognostic, diagnostic, good, bad- goes through my parents first because, and I’m not gunna lie, I’m in a fragile mental and emotional state and I think hearing anything about my condition will tip me over the edge. 

Both doctors are fine with my decision and are required to honor it and I’m happy they’re being so understanding. I have so much to be thankful for – great doctors, amazing surgeon, location of my tumor, lack of symptoms, an amazing support system, a mighty God— just so much. I could complain, but what does that do?? Nothing. Truly nothing.

I will get the results of the tests either this Friday, or may 31st – I’ll get the news from my parents, of course. Please keep praying for positive test results and high spirits. Pray for my parents and brothers and husband for peace and strength. Thank you each and every one of you ! #gbm

Day 7

Today is Sunday! God’s day! And he’s all I have. I can only trust and obey and have faith….

I don’t want anyone to think I’m being fake about my faith; I’m rough around the edges, I like my vices, but this experience has truly cleared my thoughts and brought into view what truly is important… So whether God and Christianity is correct or not, it gives me hope that there is something out there… I can’t handle the thought that there could be nothing. I have faith there is a higher power.

Went to church this morning with my husband and picked up my beautiful grandma and it was nice!

 Radiation again tomorrow, chemo pills and antibacterial pill tonight, etc.

Please keep suggestions to a minimum because, while I know they are meant well, they just remind me of my own fragility and mortality. 

Please keep praying for positive test results and effective treatment. I want more time with my husband, my family, my friends and loved ones, the things that truly matter. I love each one of you supporting me and appreciate every thought and prayer!  

Day 6

Today is my Aunt Teresa’s 60th birthday party!!! Yay!!! Congratulations aunt Teresa !!! 

No radiation on the weekends, but I do take an extra pill tonight and tomorrow (an antibacterial pill for my immune system). 

I went to AA this morning with dad… Not that I drink or anything lol, it’s just really encouraging to hear these people talk about their struggles and triumphs. Then dad and I got some groceries. Lol

Other than that, I’ve got no plans for today except to keep my attitude up as much as possible, pray that my tests come back positive and that I make it through this, and practice physical therapy stuff ( they want me to work on swinging my arms while I walk.) and then stop by aunt Teresa’s party this evening! 

Just keep praying everyone! 🙂 thank you. #GlorytoGod

Day 5

I love hanging out with my dad. Even as I’m typing this on my iPhone, I struggle to not cry, because I can’t really describe the relationship I have with my father. He is the wisest, smartest, most amazing man in the world… Maybe I’m supposed to think Brandon, my husband, is, but once a daddy’s girl, always s daddy’s girl lol. 

Today was my 4th radiation treatment and I feel completely fine! I started physical therapy and occupational therapy today…. I love them both. They’re both wonderful women. For physical therapy intake evaluation, out of 56, I got a 51. So there are not many physical therapy deficits, more occupational… Like with my right hand. The 51 instead of 56 is because I have some residual balance issues…. But it was good! I’m glad to have some people who are pushing me ya know??? 

We are still waiting on those test results, so please keep praying for 2 positive test results. Additionally, chemotherapy is going fine. Just some capsules every night and I have a nausea medicine they give me, so I haven’t gotten sick yet! Yay!!! 

All in all, a good day, please keep praying that this all gets better, for my faith to grow, for God to heal me, for comfort and support for my family… I know it’s got to be hard for a parent to even think their child might have cancer, let alone have it confirmed…. Even though I know they would take this from me, I wouldn’t let them. I wouldn’t have anyone else have this. This is my struggle, and God and I are working on our relationship with this! So this is a blessing in a terrible disguise. And it’s helping me grow as a person… And realign my character and values. my parents have had enough pain and hardship in their lives… No one can take this from me and I wouldn’t let anyone.  I love each one of you. Thank you!