Day 15: Memorial Day 

No matter your political, religious, whatever background, Please join me in thanking and honoring those who have fallen in service to our magnificent country. Today is for those fallen and their loved ones. Not for shopping and sales.

We have a family bbq and pool party every Memorial Day, so that’s what’s happening right now. Brandon and I are downstairs resting before he leaves for work tonight… I hate when he has to leave. I know it’s only for a little bit, but I feel much more alone when he’s not here.

That being said, I am so glad he gets to get away and be busy for a time with something other than me and my deficits and needs.

Dad did an excellent job making the patio look beautiful and habitable (it was not so before lol!) 

Great food, loving family, I can’t really ask for more can I?

Let me. I beg God every night, to please take this from me, please give me positive test results, please give me 50 years, please let me feel my face again, etc. 

i don’t know if God hears my bargaining but I’ll bargain with him that I’ll never touch alcohol or drugs, I won’t curse ever again, I won’t spend lots of money, ill go wherever he calls me, even Africa or China -something in the past I’ve said I’d never do – I’ll deal with seeing others blood (yikes), I’ll do literally anything to have 50 more years with Brandon. 

Dad has given me a great piece of wisdom in letting me know that I have to stay in this very moment. Something he’s tried to teach me my whole life, but I’ve always struggled with. 

So when I start panicking about the future, I close my eyes and remind myself that in this very moment I am ok. I am alive, and in no pain and surrounded by people and puppies who love me. 

I am so scared for tomorrow; please pray for positive test results (we find out tomorrow I believe) and that I can have some peace…. I am shaking while typing this, because I am so anxious and scared. Pray for my parents and for my husband. Thank you! 

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