Day 12: part 2

Lots of tears today, lots of random crying outbursts, which kind of feels good to let out. 

I feel so weak emotionally, physically I don’t really feel different at all, besides not recognizing my own face…. My eyes look too small to me, my skin isn’t as clear as it’s always been, my face is so much chubbier, because my steroid makes me hold water, everything about me is swollen. My cheeks look like chipmunk cheeks haha. 

My incisions are healing well, albeit slowly because chemo slows that process down.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my whole life as I am for my appointment Tuesday. And I’m dreading it. I’ll have blood taken to check my blood count from chemo, etc. and then we’ll get the results of those two tests, that I want to get but am terrified because those affect prognosis. 

I feel like I’m drowning. I know God is there and has it in his hands, but truly I feel so hurt by him that he let this happen to me. I can’t know everything, I don’t know the plan. 

I want to know. I want to know if this fight is for nothing, if I have a future, if ill get to have anniversaries with my husband…. 

Can’t stop the stats and numbers from pushing me under this water. Some thoughts surface that seem to say to give up and just end it myself. But God did not give me this life for me to get to take it. It is not my right. No matter how much I feel it is. I have to hold that thought. Because those suicidal thoughts are strong and insidious. 

Pray for positive test results. Thanks. 

2 thoughts on “Day 12: part 2

  1. Deb K

    Deep breath and another deep breath. I listen to a gentleman speak the other day in AA. He also has cancer and when he said it he smiled. I thought how can you smile. Then he said why not me, I was sitting there thinking I know 4 people right now who are fight this battle. Then he said God has plan for me I don’t know what it is yet but he is with me and we can do anything together. Then I thought wow I wish I had that faith. I mean I pray, I can’t tell you how many times a day. I talk to the Father on and off like a continuous conversation. I have had those same feelings from time to time that you describe during my life. Then as the day went on I keep thinking about it, thinking back to the lowest times in my life, where I just got up every day not because I wanted too, but because I need too. I just keep doing what I needed too, doing it day after day wishing it would end . Then footprints in the sand poem came cross my mind. Oh how true that is! Then I thought about my father saying to me; This too shall pass. Oh how I hate those 4 words some times! But you know it is true, God was there carrying me. HE was getting me up every day just to do the next thing I had to do, and letting me feel those emotions, because you have the right to them and it does pass, not in our time frame but in its own time and maybe not the way would like it to either. I like to think the Devil is testing our faith and God is the walking with us or carrying us through it because I know it was God that got me through it otherwise, I would have been gone along time ago. So take a deep breath, do the next thing you have to do and love. Love you! Deb

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  2. Gail

    I think it is normal to feel afraid. It’s okay.You’re not drowning, though, you’re not.You need to remember to live your life. You need as much normalcy as possible. I Know I did.

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