Lots of tears today, lots of random crying outbursts, which kind of feels good to let out.
I feel so weak emotionally, physically I don’t really feel different at all, besides not recognizing my own face…. My eyes look too small to me, my skin isn’t as clear as it’s always been, my face is so much chubbier, because my steroid makes me hold water, everything about me is swollen. My cheeks look like chipmunk cheeks haha.
My incisions are healing well, albeit slowly because chemo slows that process down.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my whole life as I am for my appointment Tuesday. And I’m dreading it. I’ll have blood taken to check my blood count from chemo, etc. and then we’ll get the results of those two tests, that I want to get but am terrified because those affect prognosis.
I feel like I’m drowning. I know God is there and has it in his hands, but truly I feel so hurt by him that he let this happen to me. I can’t know everything, I don’t know the plan.
I want to know. I want to know if this fight is for nothing, if I have a future, if ill get to have anniversaries with my husband….
Can’t stop the stats and numbers from pushing me under this water. Some thoughts surface that seem to say to give up and just end it myself. But God did not give me this life for me to get to take it. It is not my right. No matter how much I feel it is. I have to hold that thought. Because those suicidal thoughts are strong and insidious.
Pray for positive test results. Thanks.