Day 12: diet, positivity, struggling 

Wow. Woke up today feeling incredibly discouraged and stupidly looked up articles on WordPress about GBM – more stats and numbers and stories that crush me. 

I am on a strict diet for now to starve this tumor. But it’s hard to even care when the numbers say I have maybe 2 years. 

I need to work on stairs and do a walk today. So I’ll work on that when I get home from radiation. I have radiation today at 12:45 and my uncle Schaad and grandma are taking me today, then later tonight, dad and I go to a meeting. 

I miss my dad. He’s working a lot and by the time he gets home, he’s tired and I’ve taken my meds and am supposed to go to bed. I want that reassurance he gives me. Not that others don’t reassure me, but because dad is a doctor, I trust what he says more. 

I know I’m upsetting my husband, by looking up things that ruin my attitude, it makes life a lot harder on him, because I’m so difficult when I’m depressed. I’m sorry Brandon:/

So today I need prayers for peace in my mind, strength, courage, basically the whole fruits of the Spirit because I feel like I’ve been given a death sentence and am running right towards it. 

We’re almost to the test results: please pray hard HARD for positive test results and that this cancer is gone or beatable. 

The thought that there might not be a little Lloyd baby, Trystan Alexander Benjamin Lloyd or Tiffany Briele Lloyd, in mine and Brandon’s future breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to see Brandon get to be a daddy to a beautiful baby we make with a cute little crooked grin like him. I want to see all the cute curly hair I know our baby would/will have. 

I just feel so hopeless and hollow. Like “what is the point in fighting?” If there is no guarantee that I can achieve my dreams, then why fight? Because I have to. Because there are people who love me who need me to fight. So I will but man is this hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. 

2 thoughts on “Day 12: diet, positivity, struggling 

  1. nicole pastran

    Cause why wouldn’t you fight and live your life to the fullest every single day. Nobody is guarantee a certain time or more time in this world. Therefore, we should live life to the fullest of our ability and try and enjoy life how it is, so that even if its our first, mid or last days we live without wasting time. You know I’m terrible with words, and I’m sorry for that, but I know you know we all love you so much, you don’t have to be strong all the time, that’s what friends and family are for, to give you the strength you may not have and to be strong around you. You have a lot of people praying for you and supporting you. You don’t have to be strong but that doesn’t mean you cant be happy.

    Now, STOP GOOGLING!!!! and get to wedding planning! I love you and can’t wait to see you for the bachelorette!

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  2. Aaron Doyle

    Annemarie, you either fight or die. Colder words cannot be spoken, but they must. Cancer does not rest; It is relentless and you must be the same. Never give it any quarter. Outlast it. It will win a few rounds but, you must not only knock It down, you must knock It out. The angels and those relatives that have passed before are looking down from the ring side seats in heaven saying: “don’t you quit girl. Don’t give up; don’t give out; don’t give in; keep going. We are cheering you on.” I know as I have been where you are. Some battles you will seem to fight alone but, the angels and those passed on are always cheering you on….Uncle Schaad

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