Wow. Woke up today feeling incredibly discouraged and stupidly looked up articles on WordPress about GBM – more stats and numbers and stories that crush me.
I am on a strict diet for now to starve this tumor. But it’s hard to even care when the numbers say I have maybe 2 years.
I need to work on stairs and do a walk today. So I’ll work on that when I get home from radiation. I have radiation today at 12:45 and my uncle Schaad and grandma are taking me today, then later tonight, dad and I go to a meeting.
I miss my dad. He’s working a lot and by the time he gets home, he’s tired and I’ve taken my meds and am supposed to go to bed. I want that reassurance he gives me. Not that others don’t reassure me, but because dad is a doctor, I trust what he says more.
I know I’m upsetting my husband, by looking up things that ruin my attitude, it makes life a lot harder on him, because I’m so difficult when I’m depressed. I’m sorry Brandon:/
So today I need prayers for peace in my mind, strength, courage, basically the whole fruits of the Spirit because I feel like I’ve been given a death sentence and am running right towards it.
We’re almost to the test results: please pray hard HARD for positive test results and that this cancer is gone or beatable.
The thought that there might not be a little Lloyd baby, Trystan Alexander Benjamin Lloyd or Tiffany Briele Lloyd, in mine and Brandon’s future breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to see Brandon get to be a daddy to a beautiful baby we make with a cute little crooked grin like him. I want to see all the cute curly hair I know our baby would/will have.
I just feel so hopeless and hollow. Like “what is the point in fighting?” If there is no guarantee that I can achieve my dreams, then why fight? Because I have to. Because there are people who love me who need me to fight. So I will but man is this hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.