Monthly Archives: May 2016

Day 15: Memorial Day 

No matter your political, religious, whatever background, Please join me in thanking and honoring those who have fallen in service to our magnificent country. Today is for those fallen and their loved ones. Not for shopping and sales.

We have a family bbq and pool party every Memorial Day, so that’s what’s happening right now. Brandon and I are downstairs resting before he leaves for work tonight… I hate when he has to leave. I know it’s only for a little bit, but I feel much more alone when he’s not here.

That being said, I am so glad he gets to get away and be busy for a time with something other than me and my deficits and needs.

Dad did an excellent job making the patio look beautiful and habitable (it was not so before lol!) 

Great food, loving family, I can’t really ask for more can I?

Let me. I beg God every night, to please take this from me, please give me positive test results, please give me 50 years, please let me feel my face again, etc. 

i don’t know if God hears my bargaining but I’ll bargain with him that I’ll never touch alcohol or drugs, I won’t curse ever again, I won’t spend lots of money, ill go wherever he calls me, even Africa or China -something in the past I’ve said I’d never do – I’ll deal with seeing others blood (yikes), I’ll do literally anything to have 50 more years with Brandon. 

Dad has given me a great piece of wisdom in letting me know that I have to stay in this very moment. Something he’s tried to teach me my whole life, but I’ve always struggled with. 

So when I start panicking about the future, I close my eyes and remind myself that in this very moment I am ok. I am alive, and in no pain and surrounded by people and puppies who love me. 

I am so scared for tomorrow; please pray for positive test results (we find out tomorrow I believe) and that I can have some peace…. I am shaking while typing this, because I am so anxious and scared. Pray for my parents and for my husband. Thank you! 

Day 14: depression

Yes, I am depressed. No, I don’t want any more suggestions. Please Do not tell me or my parents to put me on medications. I’m already on many medicines. I take a depression medicine already and have been on it for quite some time. Depression is not new to me. Just this kind of depression is new. 

I don’t want to take more meds, eat weird foods with no scientific evidence behind them or be pushed anymore. I’m at a breaking point emotionally and cannot handle much more. So while i appreciate the concerns, unless you’re family, just pray and keep suggestions to yourself. 

I in no way mean to be rude, but mean only to be firm. I can only handle so much and all the suggestions and tips and links do is remind me of my situation, not that I forget it ever. It completely consumes my mind.

I’m terrified to see my doctor on Tuesday. I don’t want to see him even though I have to. Brandon and dad will be there with me, but I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t want to speak to anyone – doctors, friends, anyone.

Please respect these wishes about suggestions and continue to pray hard. I hope I do not offend anyone! That is not my intention .Please Pray for positive test results. All my hope is on those results and God. 

Day 13: (evening)

Watching bridesmaids with my husband, while eating some pizza. We watched talladega nights earlier. And that helped lift my spirits. 

He’s trying so so hard and I couldn’t be more thankful. He’s 24 and already dealing with things that people don’t deal with until years and years of marriage. I am so proud of him and count myself so incredibly blessed to be his companion. God truly gave me him.

I need to see a counselor soon. Because I’m making myself crazy. And that does nothing for my positivity…

Everyone is trying so hard to encourage me. And I am so thankful. 

I’ve been working with my putty all day, and I can feel it helping. So I just have to keep pushing and be ok with my hand shaking at times, no matter how embarrassing it may be. 

Please keep praying. Especially for positive test results!!! Please!!!! I am begging you and God. Also, pray for Taylor Tidwell who is still in the hospital for a serious condition. She is a close friend of mine and it hurts me to know she’s hurting. Please pray pray pray. 

Day 13: part 1 (morning)

I feel better today— still depressed but not nearly as bad as yesterday. 

I need to be keeping myself busy, which is kinda difficult, because I tire out pretty quickly. So catch-22. 

I have putty I’m supposed to use to work my right hand, and I like that so I’ll work with that and sudoku today and Brandon and I are going to organize our basement/apartment area some more today… He takes such good care of me. 

I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to have what I have. I’m so blessed. Brandon truly does everything he can to keep my spirits up even though I know this has to be really hard for him. 

Maybe we’ll go on a walk today or something once he’s off work. ­čÖé

Dad and Brandon will both be home today by around 2-3 which makes me happy, i just like when they’re both here. It’s comforting.

Still depressed, but working on it. It’s hard to not focus on what I’ve lost, or am missing out on, or what I’m keeping others from doing… I don’t know. I have to think about what I do have. What I can still do. Even though it’s excruciating. Every thought is painful. It’s like a bad breakup, but worse… Like my heart is broken by myself because my own self/body has let me down. 

Prayers for fruit of the Spirit for myself and all those around me. Thank you! 

Day 12: part 2

Lots of tears today, lots of random crying outbursts, which kind of feels good to let out. 

I feel so weak emotionally, physically I don’t really feel different at all, besides not recognizing my own face…. My eyes look too small to me, my skin isn’t as clear as it’s always been, my face is so much chubbier, because my steroid makes me hold water, everything about me is swollen. My cheeks look like chipmunk cheeks haha. 

My incisions are healing well, albeit slowly because chemo slows that process down.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my whole life as I am for my appointment Tuesday. And I’m dreading it. I’ll have blood taken to check my blood count from chemo, etc. and then we’ll get the results of those two tests, that I want to get but am terrified because those affect prognosis. 

I feel like I’m drowning. I know God is there and has it in his hands, but truly I feel so hurt by him that he let this happen to me. I can’t know everything, I don’t know the plan. 

I want to know. I want to know if this fight is for nothing, if I have a future, if ill get to have anniversaries with my husband…. 

Can’t stop the stats and numbers from pushing me under this water. Some thoughts surface that seem to say to give up and just end it myself. But God did not give me this life for me to get to take it. It is not my right. No matter how much I feel it is. I have to hold that thought. Because those suicidal thoughts are strong and insidious. 

Pray for positive test results. Thanks. 

´╗┐Day 12: diet, positivity, struggling┬á

Wow. Woke up today feeling incredibly discouraged and stupidly looked up articles on WordPress about GBM – more stats and numbers and stories that crush me. 

I am on a strict diet for now to starve this tumor. But it’s hard to even care when the numbers say I have maybe 2 years. 

I need to work on stairs and do a walk today. So I’ll work on that when I get home from radiation. I have radiation today at 12:45 and my uncle Schaad and grandma are taking me today, then later tonight, dad and I go to a meeting. 

I miss my dad. He’s working a lot and by the time he gets home, he’s tired and I’ve taken my meds and am supposed to go to bed. I want that reassurance he gives me. Not that others don’t reassure me, but because dad is a doctor, I trust what he says more. 

I know I’m upsetting my husband, by looking up things that ruin my attitude, it makes life a lot harder on him, because I’m so difficult when I’m depressed. I’m sorry Brandon:/

So today I need prayers for peace in my mind, strength, courage, basically the whole fruits of the Spirit because I feel like I’ve been given a death sentence and am running right towards it. 

We’re almost to the test results: please pray hard HARD for positive test results and that this cancer is gone or beatable. 

The thought that there might not be a little Lloyd baby, Trystan Alexander Benjamin Lloyd or Tiffany Briele Lloyd, in mine and Brandon’s future breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to see Brandon get to be a daddy to a beautiful baby we make with a cute little crooked grin like him. I want to see all the cute curly hair I know our baby would/will have. 

I just feel so hopeless and hollow. Like “what is the point in fighting?” If there is no guarantee that I can achieve my dreams, then why fight? Because I have to. Because there are people who love me who need me to fight. So I will but man is this hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. 

Day 11: physical therapy and occupational therapy

This morning was OT and PT. I don’t like OT but it’s because it makes me see my deficit so clearly…. I know it’s good for me though. And I love that they push me. I love PT, it pushes me a lot too. 

Mom and dad want me to “starve” my tumor. Which means cutting out a lot of  sugar, because brain tumor cells build on sugar. So I’m pretty cranky about it. I am a fat kid; I like sugar and sweets and fat. And I want to eat an entire cheesecake and cry about the possibility of not ever getting to have a little Lloyd baby. I swear to jeebs, at my wedding if someone tries to stop me from eating an entire tier of cake, I will cut them. lol 

So looking forward to the wedding is my biggest thing right now. Just looking at the hopeful end of this dumb race…. I want normal back… 

Cue whining!

I want normal so so badly. I want to complain about my weight and get my hair colored and get my nails done. I want to go swimming, I want to cry, sneeze, cough without worrying about putting pressure on my head. I want to be done with this. I want my neck to not be stiff, I want to feel my whole face, I want to hear normally, equally again, I want to sleep on my right side without getting violent vertigo. 

Ending, I thank God for letting me wake up this morning to birds and my beautiful husband’s brilliantly kind blue eyes.please please help me through this.